The Kansas City Star – Aug. 2, 2012
Stacey Hatton Commentary
I’m a slow bloomer. Well, at least in the midlife crisis department I am because I really could give a rip how old I am or that I don’t drive a sports car or that my abs are donned in a fat parka prepared for the first hard freeze of the winter.
But what I am noticing are scores of women making drastic changes in their lives both physically and credit card-illy.
Once believing that only men went through radical midlife plights, I am now forced to reevaluate my judgmental ways. I have known handfuls of women performing diminutive measures (occasionally up to a DD) to get noticed, feel younger or become the nouveau fresh maker. Tiny tucks and nearly nips have been common practice for…well, we’re not supposed to notice or talk about it, so never mind.
But this new-fangled list of female life-changers was not what I was prepared for when I recently scrolled down my Facebook screen. Are today’s women in their 40s to 50s, auditioning for the next reality TV show, 80’s Rocker Lifestyles? Well, don’t buy stock in Aqua Net and Aussie Sprunch Spray yet. I don’t think their bangs are heading to the mall for a high teasing because today’s middle-aged women are going the extreme route.
Pimp my Ride: After years of minivans and car seats, it’s understandable that a woman should yearn for a nice looking automobile, sans stains and Goldfish crackers in every crack.
I have visions of clean floor mats and a petite vehicle that doesn’t beep when you put it into reverse. But ladies, do you think you appear younger when you are cruising at high speeds in your convertible roadster? Now that you resemble a confused middle-aged woman who meandered into a microburst and can fit only one child in your 2-seater, the school pickup lane is excruciating. You have to go through it three times to collect all your kids and backpacks.
A+ in time management for you!
Tats and Piercings: If I had a dime for every female acquaintance who got pierced or tattooed when they turned 45, I would have about a buck fifty.
Thanks to Mark Zucker-whoosie-whatsit and his brilliant idea of morphing software into a mega family photo album, I have fantastic zoom-in capabilities of all of those piercings and their oozing red skin art. Lovely.
Oh, it’s so easy for all you 800 million “friends” to look away, right? I’m sure you’ve heard that nose piercing is really picking up (bad choice of words, but I’m not changing it). “Oh, Laura you have a bit of glitter on your… (hand swat) Sorry!”
Having people coming at my nose with their index finger gives me the willies, so I won’t be participating in that Olympic sport. You know it’s pending for 2016: Athletes who can handle the most tattoos and piercings in one sitting without losing consciousness. It’s not that much of a stretch. Who ever thought there would be women’s synchronized diving?
Guns for Show: This last one truly took me by surprise with my hands up in surrender! My cow gal pals are packing heat and aren’t afraid to whip out a pistol.
Photos of them at the shooting range are filling my computer scrapbook and I’m sure that framed shooting range targets are decorating their dining rooms. When they said, “I love Target!” I really thought they were into 5 percent sales on every REDcard purchase.
So lately all of these observations have made me feel a little off, like my life choices are comparable to watching paint dry. But is just noticing these differences the precursor that leads to behavioral changes? Next summer I could step outside my comfort zone and paint my toenails crimson to match a fresh designer purse while touring Italian wine country in a smoking, hot red Karmann Ghia.
That reminds me…I need to swing by Target before picking up the kids. There’s a REDcard sale on Goldfish crackers.
Stacey Hatton’s humor blog can be found at http://nursemommylaughs.com