The Power of Saliva

One of my fears of publicly covering this topic is strangers will assume I am a member of the top-secret union of Spitting Parental Units. The FBI has them classified in their own division, the SPU division.Are you wondering why you haven’t heard of the SPUs? Because they’re classified!

Millions of SPUs have been keeping underground about their child-cleaning methods for hundreds of years. These “spit shiners” are lurking behind every photo booth, church and/or synagogue parking lots and backstage at Little Miss competitions.

Now I that I have outed this group, they probably will start tapping me on the shoulder in the grocery store and whispering, “I refuse OxiClean because my own spittle can out-clean any product — in record time.” These poor caretakers can’t seem to control themselves because they are the offspring of a multi-generational line of spit cleaners.

Now, chemically speaking, saliva is 98 percent water, along with a little mucus and some digestive enzymes. But a law introduced by Rep. Y.O. Mama still says parents can’t clean their children with saliva.

Even though public spitting is frowned upon here in the Unites States and most countries, and Emily Post rolls over in her grave every time it occurs, expectoration hasn’t always been condemned.

•In the Middle Ages, spitting was acceptable in everyday life. Actually, it was considered rude to swallow it back down.

•In the 1700s officials put a kibosh on public spitting, so spittoons showed up everywhere. Now they had a glorious place to collect disease and flies. Great invention!

•The 1918 influenza pandemic killed more people than WWI did, so the early OSHA — Old Spit Haters of America — disposed of all contaminated spittoons and about 20 to 40 million corpses. Talk about poor health care!

•In the 1940s, a sect of overly clean mothers decided it was acceptable to pull their crumpled up hankies out of their sleeve, and after a sufficient moistening, scrub their protesting children’s faces in public. A good, wet swipe of a boy’s cowlick was common practice, too.

•During the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, China — one of the few countries where spitting on the sidewalks is acceptable — had to officially curb the behavior so as not to gross out the rest of the world. A courteous host.

•In the armed services, the tradition of “spit shining” these days relies on warm water instead of actual saliva to create the perfect shiny boot. I’m not going to argue with a soldier on this one; they are armed and this nurse/mommy doesn’t pack heat. But maybe they should change the name or just fess up?

Today the H1N1 influenza, the common cold and tuberculosis can be spread by respiratory droplets — another name for spit balls. Caretakers of our little future leaders, I implore you, let’s put a stop to the spit shine business! I know spit happens, but let’s just use saliva for the job it’s meant to do: digesting your children’s leftovers.

And for heaven’s sake, if you can’t control yourself, switch to baby wipes. You don’t even have to have an infant to stock up on these treasures. And you can quote me on this: baby wipes are the new spit of this decade.

Stacey Hatton is an Overland Park RN and freelance writer. Her blog can be found at http://nursemommylaughs.com.