One of my fears of publicly covering this topic is strangers will assume I am a member of the top-secret union of Spitting Parental Units. The FBI has them classified in their own division, the SPU division.Are you wondering why you haven’t heard of the SPUs? Because they’re classified!
Millions of SPUs have been keeping underground about their child-cleaning methods for hundreds of years. These “spit shiners” are lurking behind every photo booth, church and/or synagogue parking lots and backstage at Little Miss competitions.
Now I that I have outed this group, they probably will start tapping me on the shoulder in the grocery store and whispering, “I refuse OxiClean because my own spittle can out-clean any product — in record time.” These poor caretakers can’t seem to control themselves because they are the offspring of a multi-generational line of spit cleaners.
Now, chemically speaking, saliva is 98 percent water, along with a little mucus and some digestive enzymes. But a law introduced by Rep. Y.O. Mama still says parents can’t clean their children with saliva.
Even though public spitting is frowned upon here in the Unites States and most countries, and Emily Post rolls over in her grave every time it occurs, expectoration hasn’t always been condemned.
•In the Middle Ages, spitting was acceptable in everyday life. Actually, it was considered rude to swallow it back down.
•In the 1700s officials put a kibosh on public spitting, so spittoons showed up everywhere. Now they had a glorious place to collect disease and flies. Great invention!
•The 1918 influenza pandemic killed more people than WWI did, so the early OSHA — Old Spit Haters of America — disposed of all contaminated spittoons and about 20 to 40 million corpses. Talk about poor health care!
•In the 1940s, a sect of overly clean mothers decided it was acceptable to pull their crumpled up hankies out of their sleeve, and after a sufficient moistening, scrub their protesting children’s faces in public. A good, wet swipe of a boy’s cowlick was common practice, too.
•During the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, China — one of the few countries where spitting on the sidewalks is acceptable — had to officially curb the behavior so as not to gross out the rest of the world. A courteous host.
•In the armed services, the tradition of “spit shining” these days relies on warm water instead of actual saliva to create the perfect shiny boot. I’m not going to argue with a soldier on this one; they are armed and this nurse/mommy doesn’t pack heat. But maybe they should change the name or just fess up?
Today the H1N1 influenza, the common cold and tuberculosis can be spread by respiratory droplets — another name for spit balls. Caretakers of our little future leaders, I implore you, let’s put a stop to the spit shine business! I know spit happens, but let’s just use saliva for the job it’s meant to do: digesting your children’s leftovers.
And for heaven’s sake, if you can’t control yourself, switch to baby wipes. You don’t even have to have an infant to stock up on these treasures. And you can quote me on this: baby wipes are the new spit of this decade.
Stacey Hatton is an Overland Park RN and freelance writer. Her blog can be found at http://nursemommylaughs.com.
Portland story is quite outrageous, but since no one was injured, I figure it’s fair game for laughing at them.Can you imagine the ER staff faces when these ambulances pull up!? ENJOY! ~ Nurse Mommy
KGW.com Portland News station report
“Zombies” crash on I-84 near Lloyd exit
Credit: ODOT
Emergency crews had various lanes of eastbound I-84 shut down as they investigated the crash.
by Justin Burton, KGW news staff
kgw.com
Posted on July 9, 2010 at 11:38 PM
Updated Saturday, Jul 10 at 9:20 AM
PORTLAND, Ore. — A car full of people dressed as zombies crashed on Interstate 84 near downtown Portland on Friday, causing initial confusion by people who witnessed the crash.
Portland Police said the car was swerving in the eastbound lanes of the freeway just east of the Lloyd District just after 9:30 p.m. when it rolled over and crashed onto its top.
Emergency crews took five victims from the crash to area hospitals with non-life-threatening injuries.
Police said that in their investigation they learned that the people inside the car were dressed as zombie costumes and they were headed to a party at the time of the crash.
Sgt. Greg Stewart said people who witnessed the crash initially thought the victims’ injuries were much more serious, because of the zombie costumes.
“We’re glad that everyone is alive, despite being ‘undead’,” Sgt. Stewart said, referring to the costumes.
While everyone in the car was taken to the hospital, Stewart said crews are investigating the possibility that more people were in the car at the time of the crash but fled the scene on foot.
The crash halted traffic in the eastbound lanes for about an hour, reducing travel to just one lane. All eastbound lanes were opened at around 11 p.m.
I finally got the last coat of paint on the walls, the house is sparkling clean and who knew I had wood floors in the family room? I can actually see where I am walking and don’t get injured by a strawberry-scented-naked-plastic-freakish-haired “ankle twisters” when I run for the phone.
There is something beautiful about a clean house. I respect those moms who are able to maintain a clean environment on a daily basis, but I just don’t think it can be a reality at ours. So the “For Sale” sign is perfectly aligned in the well-manicured lawn, the fliers are up and the listing is out for the public. I wait for the phone to ring. (Crickets chirping from outside the home.)
I check the phone to make sure there is a dial-tone. That’s not the problem. Why has the sign been up for 30 minutes and no one has called. I worked this hard for NOTHING?! Did I happen to mention I occasionally have anxiety issues?
The answer to this has to be to ignore the phone. I must live my life and continue with the summer as if nothing is out of the ordinary, with the exception I must follow my children around with the Shop-Vac and a roll of paper towels at all times.
So off to relax in my fresh-smelling living room to get some work done. Ah, sitting at the laptop to type away stress. This is more like it. I feel my shoulders drop and the comforting exhalation travels out through my lips and nose, like a cleansing lip and nose thing… Nevermind.
Munchkin#2: (from the upstairs) “Mom!?”
Relaxed Mom: “Yes, dear?”
M2: “Do you want to see my painting?”
Mom: “That would be wonderful… (Is she calling from the upstairs?! We have no paints upstairs!!) M2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Next visualize a crazed woman with fangs, red eyes, hair teased out like the Barbie dolls tucked away, running up the stairs 5 at a time.
M2: “I painted it for you.”
Crazed Mom: “You drew on the WALLS?! All the way down the hallway? Who told you to do this? Ahhhhhhhrgh……!”
The next part of the story remains vague and in slow motion. I remember steam shooting out every orifice of my body, and a spike in blood pressure that would have killed a bison. Then I am standing behind Munchkin #2’s closed bedroom door panting, sweating and teary eyed and hearing loud sad cries from her room. I need a mommy-time out!
Then, if you have two girls close in age who adore each other, you get this: Munchkin #1 starts screaming, “Mom, you can’t put her in her room (tears pouring down her cheeks). I’m going to get her out of there, you just see!” Great! Now everyone is crying. What am I going to do when they become teenagers? I’m doomed!!
I decide to assess the damage of the hallway mural, in INK I might add, and see if I need to repaint the entire hallway or just touch it up. I am blinded by frustration, so I decide to leave the art there for now and find that calmness I had only minutes before.
Fortunately, the rational member of the family came home for lunch to see the destruction and make sure everyone was getting along. I charged him $10.00 for the art show at the door, gave him 2 drink tickets, some lunch and then he returned to the office. I’m sure he probably was laughing the entire way, but I choose to ignore that thought and not ask.
After I was able to get the ink off the walls, and a sincere apology was made by all the females of the family to each other. I promised both preschoolers I would not go berserk about this house selling business again. Hopefully, I can keep this promise until at least tomorrow morning!
I didn't have a wide angle lense, but she is talented!
Have you ever tried selling your home while having preschoolers living in it? I don’t mean trying to sell the house while hiding the kids in the closet to get rid of them. I’m talking about trying to make your home look salable. I have only been doing this for a few days now, but I’m pretty convinced it can’t be done.
Long ago I decided to let the housework fall to last priority. Keep the children fed, warm, dry and safe are on the top of the list; then entertained and loved are thrown in there too. But how can you make all the meals, snacks, laundry and answer the millionth “why” question and have time to clean your home?
So now on top of the mandatory job requirements, I am required to make my house presentable? I can do this, but I am going to need a team. Quoting Hillary Clinton, “I am going to need a big ‘ole village to get all this junk done.”
So after shipping the kids to grandparents for the weekend, my husband and I worked round the clock for four days to “get ‘er done.” Now we can’t lift our arms over our heads from all the painting, spackling, deep cleaning, and deck repair that was needed to remove all traces of our little precious children. Not that we want all traces of our children gone, but the people who are going to buy our house probably won’t appreciate the cute tiny hand prints and crayon murals in the hallway. I’m just guessing…
Now you may have seen previous stories of mine where the girls painted themselves and the closet in dark pink lipstick or the day they covered the entire office bookcase in lavender glitter glue, so you know my pain. BUT, Hubby and I did it! Sans children, we got the house in good shape…but then (duh, duh, duh, NA) the children returned!
I must say I missed seeing their darling faces and I love them more than anything, but this constantly cleaning up after them, plus all the other every day things that need to be done is going to send me straight to the loony bin. However, did June Cleaver do it? I heard she hit the bottle in the laundry room every day at 3:00PM, but it could be a rumor I just started.
So citizens of Kansas City… hear me out loud and clear. If you know of anyone who wants to buy my house in the next couple of days, please email Nurse Mommy at nursemommylaughs@yahoo.com. I can’t keep up this cleaning and I’m sure I am doing major psychological damage to my children trying to enforce this. End our madness and someone buy our house!!! Have a nice day.
Summer sports are in full swing. But don’t forget summer sports can lead to injuries you won’t see during the winter months.
Before your child begins a sporting program, ask the coaches how they will treat emergencies such as concussions, dehydration, sun stroke or cardiac arrest. Many coaches have no first aid or CPR training. And serious injuries, such as loss of consciousness, distressed breathing or potential bone breaks, should be promptly taken to the closest emergency room for medical attention.
Soccer
Injuries
Knee pain, shin splints and heat illnesses related to dehydration are the most common. Andy Barney, director of KC Legends Soccer, says, “In the summer, we worry about heat stress, so we keep the kids hydrated. In order to play at optimum levels, even a little dehydration is not going to be good for the kids.”
Prevention
Proper warmup and cool down exercises can prevent many injuries. Also, do not let a child play if he or she is injured. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that youths “should drink 10 to 15 ounces of cool water before exercise and 8 to 10 ounces every 20 to 30 minutes” during activity.
Baseball:
Injuries
“Little League Elbow,” sliding injuries, batting injuries and outfield direct line hits are easily preventable. Mike Neal, head pitching instructor of Regal Athletics in Kansas City, MO, says they are a training facility and injury prevention program. “Their philosophy is fingertip to toes warm-ups and throwing drills” to demonstrate correct technique for injury prevention.
Prevention
Proper equipment is crucial. Batting equipment includes helmets with chin straps (some even have face shields). These need to be worn correctly and fit properly. Catchers need a helmet, facemask, chest protector covering entire torso, athletic cup (for males) and shin guards. Wearing sliding pants, foot guards and batting gloves is also a smart choice. In addition, a maximum number of pitches per game for pitchers is mandatory to prevent damage to young bodies.
Swimming:
Injuries
Swimmer shoulder, exhaustion, swimmer’s ear and unsupervised “weak swimmer” injuries are common.
Prevention
Make sure an able adult or lifeguard is present at the pool. No running around the pool is important to avoiding falls, and proper usage of sunscreen to avoid severe burns is essential. Swimming down to the drain of a pool is dangerous and must be prohibited. If your children are not strong swimmers, life vests can be beneficial.
Stacey Hatton is a pediatric nurse and freelance writer from Overland Park.
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO YOU ALL – AND MAY THESE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE AND PUT SOME LOVE OF OUR COUNTRY IN YOUR HEART! GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!!!!
HAVE A SAFE HOLIDAY AND DON’T SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT (OR LOSE A FINGER) ~ Nurse Mommy
Stacey Hatton | Family Cookie Factory holds life lessons
STACEY HATTON COMMENTARY
My family craves anything sweet, but as a health professional, I try not to have the house stocked full of sugary treats.
However, my 3-year-old literally asks for a Popsicle every hour of the day. Winter, spring, summer or fall…all you have to say is “No!” for the zillionth time. And this has been going on for a year. The research says she is just testing us, but come on, the test is over! Put down your pencil and turn over your paper.
Now, the occasional cake or cookie is satisfying, but let me tell you, with two preschoolers, baking can be quite an adventure. To get Munchkin #2’s mind off the blasted Popsicles, we will sometimes play Family Cookie Factory.
One day as I was teaching my children the difference between salt and sugar and how to crack an egg, I started to see Family Cookie Factory was a great teaching tool, not only for baking skills, but life skills.
Here are a few life lessons that fit nicely with the Nestle Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookie recipe:
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. This should be done by a responsible and preferably sober adult. Anything involving extreme heat should be handled by those who have passed grade school — the first time through.
Life Lesson 1: When things get hot, step away from the heat.
Combine flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Use exact measurements when baking. Baking is like a chemistry experiment and you don’t want to throw things in willy-nilly or you might end up with a savory, flat briquette.
Life Lesson 2: Following directions can be helpful, and crucial if you grow up to be an electrician or a neurosurgeon.
Beat two sticks of butter, with sugars and vanilla until creamy. Two sticks of butter? Oh, my carotid is constricting as I type! There is a fine line between letting your children not feel bad about having an occasional cookie and not gasping and screaming expletives when you see the recipe calls for two entire sticks of butter.
Life Lesson 3: Take care of your body. You only get one and too many toxins and pollutants make aging more difficult and ridiculously ugly.
Add the eggs. Teaching preschoolers to crack eggs is always frustrating, messy or hilarious. I see it as the latter, but I enjoy slapstick comedy. I’d recommend using a separate bowl. Add it to the heart attack mixture in the previous step after retrieving the pieces of egg shell.
Life Lesson 4: Not all people are gifted at all things. The art of egg-cracking is not well developed by all persons. This skill will not be on your SATs.
Beat in flour mixture and add chocolate morsels. The word “beat” is confusing to youth. Educate them to use a hand mixer safely, which includes how to turn it on and off slowly and never aiming it at your sibling.
Life Lesson 5: Chocolate is the most blissful thing God created. A voice came straight from the heavens and gave Mr. N. Tollhouse the recipe. True story.
Drop teaspoon dollops onto baking sheet. That size is not written in stone.
Life Lesson 6: Bigger is…just bigger. Decide what you like and go for it.
Bake for nine to 11 minutes. Make sure to watch the cookies so they don’t get burnt.
Life Lesson 7: Don’t sunbathe too long or often — you’ll get melanomas.
Remove cookies to wire racks to cool. Make sure to let the cookies cool off enough before eating.
Life Lesson 8: Cookie cooling is a difficult lesson in patience. While patience is a desirable quality, it’s impossible to teach preschoolers; so sometimes they just have to learn the hard way. Tip: Have cold milk on close standby for this lesson. It will usually put out the fire.
Stacey Hatton is an Overland Park RN and freelance writer. Her blog can be found at http://nursemommylaughs.com.
From a very early age, one of my children struggled with car sickness. If we would drive more than 15 minutes, it was a pretty good bet she would “throw up” in her carseat. Now my pediatrician had said to buy a carseat with a removable cover for easy washing, but how did she know how many times I would have to clean it? Psychic pediatricians are helpful!
Now both sets of grandparents, whom we get together with often, are 30 minutes away, so that meant for every holiday, birthday or event where we got to do the driving, we would have to put her in her “barf” clothes and try various tactics to keep child and her seat dry.
Our first experience with car barfing, happened when we were heading to my father’s retirement party. Our one year-old was dressed in her Sunday best. Fifteen minutes into the ride…the inevitable occurred on exit 207. She soaked the dress and her tights, but thankfully missed the shoes. We arrived in town with one more episode but we had run out of napkins and diaper wipes by episode deux. Our choices were limited: Turn around and go home, sponge her down and have her smell like the Women’s bathroom the morning after Ladies Nite, or buy her a new outfit.
We opted for a new outfit. As we were driving downtown we noticed the lights were still on in a consignment store and since it was the holiday season, all of the cute winter dresses were in the window. $6.00 dress, $2.00 tights and we were back on the road…priceless! She was a huge hit at the party and everyone kept commenting on how beautiful her dress was. It took everything in me to not roll my eyes every time this occurred. “Thank you.” “Glad you like it!”
This car sickness scenario happened so many times, I felt it my duty to pass on my secret to success. To all you parents with children who don’t care to keep their stomach contents in their point of origin, there is hope!
Nurse Mommy’s Tips & Tricks:
Keep “barf kit” in car at all times and replenish immediately. This includes: large trash bag for clothes and clean up materials, large container of wet wipes, roll of paper towels, full set of replacement clothing and the most important item is a large ziplock freezer style bag for the actual catching of stomach contents.
For about a year, I asked everyone I knew to pick me up some barf bags from the airlines. I had the van stocked with those babies, but who knew that they were so impractical? The person who designed these was someone who really didn’t want to think about it and just created them for the polite and clean barfer. Not baby or toddler proof!
The large Ziplock can be held up to the babies face (now I’m not saying to put a plastic bag over your baby’s head…let me be clear), and after they are done, zip it closed. Yellow and green make blue and you’re done!
Another tip is that you don’t want your kid having anything sweet before the car ride. For some reason fruit and milk were the triggers for us. You will have to find what makes it worse for your child, but I would start with these.
Finally, talk to your pediatrician about car sickness medications. Some professionals say Benadryl can help with the younger ones, but Dramamine isn’t advised until they are two. Those two years can feel like decades; but once you get the clear, they can be chewed up and will just let your child sleep half way across the country without a drop of liquid on their lap!
Most kids will outgrow this condition; but until then, when they are old enough to sit in the front seat, have them stare ahead during the trip and that helps immensely. Best wishes and tidy barfing to you and yours!
(NURSE MOMMY WARNING: Do not medicate your child without first discussing it with your medical provider. Correct dosages for young children are mandatory. Call your pediatrician’s nurse for help.)
Father’s Day is such a special time at our household. Our girls adore their Daddy and wildly squeal, running with open arms for the “Daddy-sandwich-hug” every time he enters the house. The day needed to be special for him.
This year for Father’s Day weekend, my husband and I decided to take separate vacations. He had a boy’s trip that came together and my dear friend in sunny Florida wanted a play date. Grandparents were keen to it, so husband and I went to the airport and went our separate ways. Very enjoyable for the entire family and would recommend doing this if you can!
The only problem was that since, as you Mom’s know, we usually are the ones to get everything ready for vacations. I had to get the laundry done for all, pack the girls, pack myself, get food purchased for the children, write out the directions for grandparents, and in addition get all the gifts and cards ready for Father’s Day.
Needless to say, I ran out of time and guess what I didn’t do? Yes, that’s right – nary a gift or card for Father’s Day! I was to return home on Sunday bearing gifts and sentiments to not only my children’s father, but mine and my father-in-law who were all going to be attending a dinner together.
I left for Florida early Friday morning and started eyeballing potential gifts in various airport gift shops. Tacky, yes; but no one will ever claim I’m not practical! Unfortunately, no purchases. I’m pretty sure none of the fathers would have wanted a horseshoe-shaped travel neck pillow or a pink Atlanta t-shirt.
Then Florida swept me away…I slowly forgot about the men in my life and the presents I needed to provide. Come on, I was at a spa and poolside for the majority of my trip and you are supposed to “live” in the relaxing moment. You would have forgotten them too!
Vacation is almost over as Sunday morning approaches. I grab a very early coffee, take a once over at the hotel gift shop and proceed to the airport.
I will stop in Kansas City and get it all taken care of. Between the time the plane lands, I can shower, apply some makeup and Visine, and the drive an hour to the in-laws for the dinner celebration for the special men in our life. I can do this. I can do this! Move over Helen Reddy, I am woman, hear me roar!
Well, let’s say I got the grandfathers in attendance covered, but last minute I informed my hubby we were going to have his special celebration of Father’s Day on Monday. It wasn’t fair to just throw this together in such short time. This would give me all day on Monday to shop, find a card, make a nice meal and find my inner June Cleaver by 6:00PM. (He gets this 2 times a year: birthday and Father’s Day). SUCCESS!!
Now I thought when I mentioned to my girls that we weren’t going to give Daddy any gifts at the family party, they would throw a fit. They love parties and gift giving AND cards with hearts scrawled all over in pink and red crayons. But no tears?! No whining?!
Munchkin #1 said, “Mom, we will have a big surprise for Daddy tomorrow. Remember he doesn’t like pink cakes, but he DOES like ice cream sundaes with whipped cream and sprinkles!” That’s all it took for her. A promise that I would provide her Daddy with an ice cream extravaganza was the way she needed to celebrate her love for him.
Munchkin #2 said, “He needs a Princess and the Frog toy.” Interesting choice, but I obliged her. As he opened his gifts on Monday, he thanked his girls with all the gusto in the world because he truly is an exceptional father. With this action, he made his two preschool daughters feel as if they were both special and brilliant for their gift decisions. That’s why he needed a special party. Happy belated Father’s Day, Hubby!
Credit: ODOT
