Super Bowl Hangover Week

– photo provided by Anthony Behar, TNS

So have you recovered from last Sunday’s football? What a game and what a party!

I’m sure many of you are still wearing your elastic band pants. That mammoth-sized ingestion of sodium gets the best of us. Once the swelling goes down and folks don’t have hobbit feet, the silent focus is on getting your proper digestion back in check.

How will all of that cheese dip pass without killing me?

Did you know the average Super Bowl viewer consumes 4,000 to 6,000 calories during one game? I believe that’s cutting it close to the caloric requirement of a Killer Whale. Thanksgiving is a only 3,000 calories, and we all get prepared for that day by kicking up the cardio a few weeks prior. OK, maybe not everyone does that, but they sure think about it… real hard.

The caloric gluttony, while enjoying a game with large men jumping in a pile of flailing limbs, is disgraceful and I cannot condone that behavior. Unless there’s 7-layer or spinach artichoke dip, then, “People, slowly back away from the table or someone might lose a finger!”

Why is it a prerequisite to gorge on carbs and sit on the couch watching others exercise? Not even marathon runners prepare before the big race with that much starch. Now I could see the football players pigging out after the big game; especially, if they covered some major yardage. They’d deserve it — Bucky, Jr. and your other brother Darrell, probably not so much.

So how about those Cowboys!?

I’ve never been a football fan or spectator. Any sport that takes four hours is not within my attention span range. I do love catching the commercials and basing my stock options on who can afford a 30-second spot.

Pistachios? You really make that much money?

But my true reason for this season is… you guessed it, the H-A-L-F-T-I-M-E Show!!!

Remember the days when amazing bands would show off their new dance moves? Before social media saturated the web, taking the fun out of seeing performers live? Then later when performers cursing had to be bleeped out and certain “swimming suit” areas became exposed, the quality went downhill. That is until The Lady Gaga.

She refers to herself as a performing artist, which gives her a fish-netted leg up on the creativity of her show. No performer in the 50 years of Super Bowling had requested the closed roof of the stadium be opened for her and her drone backup dancers of the sky.

She was like David Bowie except with no pants, singing and shaking her moneymaker for the world to see. She came down from the roof like a sparkling frog with un-brushed hair; and using a Hollywood sleight of hand, she air-swam to the stage with patriotic grace. I haven’t checked the facts, but I’m 100 percent certain she is the first musical act to incorporate the game of football with the performance. You’d think that would be an obvious theme for a half-time show, but what do I know?

The close of Ms. Gaga’s genius show came to an end, with her catching a bedazzled football, executing an epic mic drop, and jumping off a 12-foot platform into thin air, confusing the cameraman and spectators at home. Brilliant!

Who knows maybe performing artists will make a comeback and move out of coffee shops and libraries? This was a show, which left us craving more and she didn’t even need to wear her meat dress. A seven-layer dip costume would have done me in.

So I had an idea, back to the starch and fat fest…

What if you had your guests dance to the half-time show? The beer is cut off unless they get up and move it. Think of how many calories your friends could burn before round two.

Next year, I’m going to throw a Cardio Super Bowl party. Get out your yoga pants, Ladies because we’re gonna sweat.

Plus, yoga pants have elastic waistbands. Bonus.

(previously published in The Kansas City Star on February 10, 2017)

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My First Children’s Musical Done!

Written, directed, and performed, so…night-night zzzzz

Camel created by Stacey Hatton and Pamela McGuire (photo provided by Dawn Beck)

It usually doesn’t take long for me to pick up things, like how to crochet or put a clean filter in the furnace, but if it’s my family’s laundry on the floor or life lessons…forget about it!

You would think instructions are innate, or come naturally. However, in my case I need to be hit over the head with it. I must have dozed off during those prime learning years.

Last weekend, I experienced a big one, maybe one of the hardest things I’ve had to grasp. On Saturday night, I became a grownup. I thought when I got married that would be an indicator of my reaching adulthood. Nope. Then when I had children, immediate feelings of being the adult really never hit me. I was 35.

It wasn’t until I was seated in the front row of an audience at my wonderful, little Overland Park church that it hit me…I am no longer the child. There in front of me were 40 bright-eyed actors and singers, waiting to perform the first musical I had written.

“How did I get here?” was the first thing I thought. Then, “Oh, my goodness! I’m prepared just like my first church choir conductor.”

As I pushed back my reading glasses, I leaned into the script with my flickering tea light, to barely see the words my cast might forget during the performance. I was just short of yelling out, “A one-ie, and a two-ie and a thre-ee, four…” when it hit me. I was no longer the grasshopper, but the Sensei. Only took me half a century to figure it out. That’s not bad, right?

After the children did an amazing job; I finally came up for air. It was over.

People asked me if I was exhausted, especially those who knew I started researching for the play last May. I gave a nonchalant reply with a smile, “No, I’m fine!” After all, the show isn’t over until the set and lights are down and the costumes are cleaned and packed. Then you relax.

Then it happened.

The show was packed away. My life was no longer crazy and amped up, and the only things left were memories by photos, hopefully a clear video and hundreds of odd scraps of paper with my scribble on it. Directing is a 24/7 job.

So was I really acting like that quirky woman who first taught me the very same songs, which were in my musical? “Away in the Manger” and “Silent Night” took on a new feel as a grownup, perhaps because I didn’t have them sing it in that horrible screechy key she did! I knew I was coming full circle, but passing on the spotlight to the next star.

The new adult feeling was that I wasn’t sad or felt like I had that wonderful part of my life stripped away. It was finally time to pass the torch, even though I haven’t been on the stage in over 10 years. Until that moment, when I was counting off the beats of the songs, and mouthing the words forcefully looking like a dog eating peanut butter, I had been one of those kids on the stage, smiling and anxiously awaiting my cue from the lady with the big glasses and a white stick.

I’m not going to get a white stick or slam my music stand with sheets flying, while screaming, “Cheese and crackers!” But I might hear her count off in my head. It was funny though, when my choir of angels sang, I surprisingly put my finger to each side of my mouth to draw a happy face. And guess what?

It worked. They sang beautifully and were radiant.

I’m going to keep that one!

(previously published in The Kansas City Star on December 24, 2016) Continue reading

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Christmas Hoarders With Borders

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(previously published in The Kansas City Star on December 11, 2016)

Are you or a loved one overwhelmed by the decorations in your house? Are you able to skip through a path lined with stuffed Santas and reindeer in your front hall?

If you’ve ever been tied up so severely by the ankles with electrical cords at the beginning of December, you too, may be a Christmas Hoarder – or have other issues I’m not willing to discuss in print. Ahem!

My affinity for the red, green and sparkly started out simply when I was single. It’s almost Christmas and my choices were to sit alone by the CD player and cry to the empty sound of carols echoing through my quiet home, or to drown myself in eggnog and the 50 types of cookies I picked up after work.

Instead, I realized I could keep myself busy and in a festive, cheery mood if I decorated with authority.

For many years, I avoided reality with my shiny, twinkling, well-glittered collections. I skipped the light fandango while draping everything nailed down in boughs of holly. A glorious sight of winter themed rooms was my 1,100 square foot house. I was proud to be among the countless Christmas collectors, waving my festive Hoarder flag with pride.

Actually, I didn’t quite have a problem until I was married and had kids. The kid thing threw me over the edge into décor pandemonium. I lost all control probably by the time my girls were toddlers. I mean who wouldn’t love to live at a Midwestern North Pole?

My wonderful family and friends had an easy time deciding what gift to get me. My husband spoiled me with near life-sized Santas as Christmas presents.

We’ve been married for 13 years. You do the math.

My addiction recently came to a halt. If you are wondering what in the world could stop a crazy woman so abruptly, you’ve never had a Goldendoodle puppy. As I’m writing this I’m glancing into the cutest shaggy face covered in grass clippings and coffee grounds.

Playing in compost is awesome!

If anyone thought I’d lost my mind over the holidays before, you were wrong. This knee-jerked purchase has been the worst decision affecting my family’s winter holiday. Even worse than the 2010 gravy disaster! Now I love my dog, so don’t push the PEETA speed dial just yet. But I have the freedom in this country to speak my mind and tell anyone within earshot about the disastrous puppy who stole Christmas.

Her name is Bella Luna, which means beautiful moon in Italian. We should have named her Carpe Bella, then maybe we’d be able to have a Christmas tree this year. I know many of you might be thinking, “Build a wall!” That’s just stupid. Then we wouldn’t be able to see our beautiful symbol of light.

I can hear you yelling, “Don’t put the ornaments near the bottom!”

I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. She’s not a cat and won’t gently bat at glass balls and other family heirlooms. She’d eat them for breakfast! Actually, my husband, the dude who’s into lights, had one of his new illuminations demolished by the dog even before adding it to his Clark Griswold extravaganza. (Shh! He has a problem, but you didn’t hear it from me.)

Since we like to dwell on our misery, we have finally come up with a plan. No, Dad we aren’t going to hang it from the ceiling as you suggested! We will move the puppy’s metal fenced playpen to surround the tree and toss the presents over the top. Not exactly what this Christmas hoarder desires, but at least my disorder has been stopped.

Packing away crates still filled with unseen Santas and reindeer may not be the worst thing in the world. At least cleanup will be a lot faster in January!

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Mythical creatures and elections make for interesting parties

I had high hopes the media coverage of the presidential election would stop shoving hateful comments down our ear canals and burning holes in our retinas after the ballots had been counted.

I would have celebrated if the circus of the last year had moved out of town, or better yet out of the country. But alas, the nastiness has continued.

Many voters are still experiencing strong bouts of nausea with each headline, news clip or magazine cover. What can we get from this?

It’s obviously no longer safe to grocery shop for more than 12 items. Tabloids have become universal acid reflux instigators and waiting in lines must be avoided at all cost.

In the past, whenever I’m overwhelmed by negativity, I sing a happy tune and my cares dance away. Yes, it was an annoying habit but it no longer seems to make things better.

After hearing friends on both sides of the polls angrily ranting on social media, I needed to make a big choice. I could jump on the crazy train, make a concerted effort to move on with my life, or escape reality completely. It was a toss up.

The intense negativity started the day after the elections, which also happened to be my youngest daughter’s birthday. There was no time to raise my emotional flag, because my little girl was expecting the royal treatment.

A month before the day she entered double digits, she said her family party was to be themed “mythical creatures.” Thankfully, she didn’t mean Big Foot or the Lochness Monster for I’d hate to picture those party games. She desired a more ethereal celebration, sprinkled with fairies, mermaids and unicorns.

My husband and I decided my daughter’s birthday would stall our politics for one day and then we could return to mayhem and angst. I didn’t foresee continuing to ignore all surroundings for weeks. But it’s so nice, kind and cuddly in my little sparkly world. Why would I leave that?

Perhaps laughing, eating cake and opening presents was what the rest of the world needed too. It doesn’t matter if you are happy your candidate won or if yours lost, anxiety was increasing around the world and noshing on buttercream frosting in complete isolation became a surefire way to escape it. (It sounded better in my head.)

“How did you handle the election results?” asked no one.

“What election? We’ve had power turned off months ago and no communication with the rest of the world,” I’d sing out. “It’s all rainbows and unicorns here!” Now where did I put that glittered handheld can opener?

So people of this polarized country turn off your electronics, urge your new puppy to eat the newspaper, and if the urge to scream bubbles up… let them eat cake!

Luckily, for my waistline, ignoring the world didn’t last. I’m trying to be positive and not get caught up in the debating. But at least I know if things get out of control again, I have a fabulous happy place filled with rainbows, unicorns and buttercream frosting.

On the plus side, I’m no longer dreading my 50th birthday! I’m actually looking forward to the celebration. It will be complete with 50 unicorns dressed in rainbow wigs with fairies and mermaids singing show tunes.

It’s so nice, kind and cuddly in my little sparkly world.

(Previously published in The Kansas City Star on November 24, 2016.)

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Halloween Candy Might be Poisonous, so Let Mom Try it First

Young girl outdoors in witch costume on Halloween holding candy

It’s that time again…surviving the week or two following Halloween.

The real problem is there are numerous times in the day when my kids are not actively watching their Halloween candy. I should suggest they lock it in a fire safe box, or tell them to hide it somewhere far off our property. But then how would I find that delicious morsel of a Milk Dud if they actually followed through?

My dilemma is children often go to school outside the home, leaving unwatched tidbits of treats. Also, some children sleep through the night, albeit mine didn’t until they were in second grade, but I digress. The thought of no longer getting some of our children’s candy is more haunting than the headless man in a coffin down the street. That bloke has been scarring my children every October for the last half decade.

So how can my husband and I “borrow” a fun-sized Snickers, without them noticing? We’ve tried it all. Disposing of the wrappers in another room and hiding them under Kleenex. Never eating more than one of the same type of candy from the same kid’s stash. I’ll tell you, multiples of one kind will lead to being found out, and it’s not pretty.

For years, I sampled my children’s goodies by pleading the Snow White law. Someone has to be brave to test the candy to make sure it’s not poisonous. The tainted apple just about took out that princess. My cute girls used to think I was so worried for their health, and always appreciated my selfless concern. Sweet, sweet girls…

“It’s out of love, Sweetie!” I would sing in a high voice with forest animals running to my feet.

But my grade school girls have caught on to our long-lived lie. The gig is up!

They carefully scan the house for new locations to hide their gooey goodies. When asked if they would like to donate their candy to the wonderful men and women in the armed forces who don’t get any candy, they scoff or roll their eyes. Since they are inching closer to the teenage years, I’m afraid to stick my hand in the proverbial honey pot. I might lose a finger or worse yet, jewelry.

So this year I bought a small assortment bag of candy for my husband and I to share. If we can have just a nibble while the kiddos are eating theirs, it couldn’t be too harmful, right? Could it keep the peace in the house? Probably, not, but hopefully, the parent stash could keep all body parts safe and our chocolate-filled children from haunting our dreams.

Author’s Note: While writing this I got a hankering for a bite of chocolate; however, when I returned to my chair, I seriously heard and felt the seat of my pants rip, not once, but twice! The good thing to come out of this is my four-inch rip completely fixed my chocolate problem. Hallelujah! My children are safe because nothing fixes candy stealing faster than a clothing fail!

(Previously published in The Kansas City Star on October 11, 2016.)

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