Category Archives: SimplyKC magazine

GRANDPARENTS’ BOND: MEMORIES TO TREASURE

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SIMPLYkc Magazine: PARENTING
November 2012

BY STACEY HATTON

One of my fondest childhood memories involves my grandfather taking me by the hand on Thanksgiving and sneaking us into the kitchen when no one was looking. Grabbing a handful of black olives, we would place them on our fingertips, laugh and gobble them off our fingers before anyone would catch us. It was our secret, every year! There is no other relationship that compares to the one of a grandparent and grandchild. The connection is beneficial for everyone – not just the grandchildren and grandparents, but the parents too!

Why is it Important?
“I was very close to my grandparents, so creating bonds for my kids is extremely important to me,” says Overland Park mother of three, Trisha Farnsworth. “We institute bonds with both sets of grandparents – one lives in town and the other a few hours away. We get together often and have created many traditions . . . some just in the past few years. We have holiday traditions: like a hayride and bonfire with my parents in the fall, and birthday brunches with my husband’s parents.” Some grandparents are excellent influences on their grandkids and are able to teach them about their family’s history and culture that may get left out in the daily rush. The more time grandchildren spend with grandparents, the more opportunities they have to learn from them. “Overnight trips to Grandma’s house, for example, may be less traumatic than sleepovers with peers and can help kids develop independence,” says Nemours Foundation. This is a time for parents to get some much needed “couple time,” and a chance for the grandkids to spend quality hours creating traditions with their grandparents. This can bolster a child’s self-esteem and provide them with confidence and security as well as make grandparents feel appreciated and needed.

Establishing a Connection
Despite today’s busy family schedules, it can be difficult to dedicate regular time with grandparents. Joan Brown, an Overland Park non-stereotypical matriarch, shares how her extended family routinely makes time for each other. “We are blessed with six grandchildren – only three of which live in the Kansas City area. But (my husband) and I don’t fit the typical grandparent profile…we both work full-time and often spend a considerable amount of overtime at our jobs,” says Mrs. Brown. “Early on in our marriage – the second for both of us – we decided to continue an Italian tradition that started with my mother’s family years ago…Sunday dinner…At the beginning of our marriage, it was a vehicle to bring our two families together…We now use our Sunday dinners to connect with our grandchildren,” she says.

Long Distance Bonding
Nothing can compare with actual time spent together, but it can’t always happen. Time, distance, health issues can play parts in separating children from their grandparents; but an effort to schedule this shared time is essential for both generations. Have your kids call their grandparents when exciting things happen at school, or they have an event coming up. Video tape it and send it to them in an email. This way they won’t feel as if they are missing out on everything. Webcameras are a fun way for kids to interact with their grandparents. Even developing a pen pal relationship with grandparents is great and excellent for kids writing skills!

Safe Environment Away From Home
For most grandparents it has been quite awhile since they raised children in their home, and safety regulations have changed substantially since then. Even though their idea may be, “Well, I raised you, and you turned out okay,” might be fine for them; you as the parent need to find an effective way to get your point across. A walk-through of “Grandma’s” house is helpful to show them hazards such as: medications, shampoos/soaps, and cleaning products which probably are not locked up. Assist grandparents to identify small choking hazards in their house as well. If you do this before the kids arrive, then they can just enjoy their time with your munchkins. One of the beauties of hereditary is that gene pool traits pop up randomly and sporadically. So the chance of a grandchild and grandparent finding something in common is . . . well, grand! Try doing crafts, painting a landscape, cooking a favorite recipe, learning to knit, tie a Windsor knot or change a tire! And remember, communication is key to any successful relationship!

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STRANGER DANGER: Is it a harmful phrase?

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SIMPLYkc Magazine (October 2012)

PARENTING – BY STACEY HATTON

This is NOT a menacing person, just a photo courtesy of i-Click.

 

The other day I heard a young grade schooler say to her mother, “I can’t talk to them.  They’re a stranger.”  Initially, I thought what an excellent job that parent did educating her daughter; but then I quickly realized the mother had instructed her child to ask a store employee a question, who was only 3 feet away, yet the child was paralyzed.  If all adults are the enemy, what are children to do when they need help in an emergency or are lost?

 

 

 

WHO SHOULD KIDS TRUST?    The phrase “Stranger Danger” has been pounded into our kids’ heads so much that possibly some parents may have done reverse damage.  Children need to be able to comfortably talk to adults, and that includes strangers.  KidsHealth.org says, “It’s better to teach kids when it’s appropriate to talk to strangers and when it is not.”  Let them know when they are with you it is appropriate to talk to people they may not know because you are there to protect them.  “But if your child is alone and approached by a stranger, that’s a different story.” The American Academy of Pediatrics offers, “Instead of teaching (your child) that he’s surrounded by danger, teach him that he is strong, capable, and can count on you to keep him safe, as long as he can tell you about it.”

EDUCATING YOUR CHILD:         Question: What do molesters and abductors look like? Answer:  Like everybody else walking down the street.

These predators don’t look scary, but sometimes appear friendlier to kids – that’s how they are able to draw them into their web. If a stranger comes up to your child while he or she is alone, they need to have the tools to protect them. Tell your kids if they are approached, they don’t have to be polite or say a word.  Dr. Laurie Fisher, M.D., Town Plaza Family Practice, Overland Park, KS says, “Children don’t have to say anything. They should run away and tell an adult.” She also stresses that kids have a buddy system. “If they are going to be alone, make sure that they are not out after dark.  And if they ever feel threatened, they need to yell loudly (that they don’t know the adult) and run away as fast as they can to a safe location.”

If an adult tries to touch their private area or asks them to touch theirs, they also need to know how to react. “I tell my patients it’s okay for parents and the doctor to look at their private area but it is off limits for anybody else,” says Dr. Fisher.

She also shares with her patient’s parents that they need to begin teaching their children their full names and their parent’s names by the age of 3 or 4.  “By four or five years of age, children need to know their phone number and address.”

HELP, I’M LOST!  If your child wanders away from you in a public place, they need to know what to do.  Go over these instructions with your child often, so she clearly understands the directions.  Officer Gary Mason, Public Information Officer with the Overland Park Police Department says, “Have your child go up to either the police, security officer or a store employee and let them know they are separated from their parent.  Also, a mom or dad with young kids is usually a safe place for a lost child to get help.”

THE CODE WORD:   Creating a family “code word” which is not easily deciphered by a dangerous stranger is helpful to give your child the extra confidence needed to make a good decision.  If you need someone to pick up your kids unplanned outside of school, there should be a password that your child knows.  When the adult says to come with them, the child should be trained to ask, “What is the code word?”  If the adult doesn’t know it, the child needs to run the other direction to get help from a trusted adult.

Having “stranger danger” discussions are never easy for parents; but putting it off for another day is just another day where your children could be under prepared to face a dangerous situation.  Build up their self-esteem with these tools, review them often, and hopefully they will grow up confident and not fearing the world around them.

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© 2012, Stacey Hatton.  All rights reserved.

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Bully-proofing Children and Building Self-esteem: a parent’s manual

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SIMPLYkc MAGAZINE (SEPT 2012) PARENTING

BULLY-PROOFING CHILDREN: REDUCING THEIR RISK

BY STACEY HATTON

Bullying isn’t original for this generation of children; but perhaps the methodology of preventing your child from being threatened by the proverbial “thugs” has changed. You don’t have to start your preschooler in Karate or dress them in designer clothes to ensure they won’t get picked on because, unfortunately, genetics plays a mean hand in this longstanding battle.

WHO’S AT RISK?

Children who are smaller, weaker, and appear shyer than other classmates are typically targeted by bullies. There’s no gender discrimination when it comes to bullying – both boys and girls can be targets AND bullies. However, kids who easily get emotional (i.e., crying, angry), or “give in” to their bully, puts them at a higher risk for being repeated targets.

Bullying can occur anywhere: at school (recess, lunch room, bathroom, hallways, or any place a teacher isn’t watching), when adults are absent (around the neighborhood, on the way to school, church or extra-curricular activities) or via computers or cell phones (emails and texting are increasing in severity and frequency of harassment). Bullying can be verbal, social and/or physical, or it can be one or a combination of these; but each type is just as destructive to the psyche of the bullied child. Examples of bullied attacks:

Verbal: Threatens, teases, taunts, speaks hatefully.

Social: Excludes child from events and stories, start rumors about them.

Physical: Pushes, slaps, punches, kicks, chokes.

ADDRESSING ISSUE HEAD ON

If you believe your child isn’t being bullied, it’s still beneficial to have the “bully conversation” with your family. They may know someone being mistreated and want to help, OR you could be wrong and someone is actually picking on your child. When there are no distractions and emotions are calm, ask your child, “Do you like all the kids in your class?” “Does everyone get along?” “Is anyone getting picked on or bullied?” Then educate in these areas:

1.      Ask for help: Adults may need to mediate when the bullying occurs. Tell your child it’s appropriate and not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It’s not the child’s fault they are being attacked. “If a store is being robbed, doesn’t the store clerk call the police for backup?”

2.      Make more friends: Four against one is better odds. If your child has friends who will stick up for him and verbally defend him, your child’s self-esteem will increase and he will find strength in numbers.

3.      Extra-curricular activities: Being involved in a group, school club, or sports team will makes them feel like they “belong.” Just make sure they don’t join the same team as the bully.

4.      Alerting school officials: Let everyone involved in your child’s life at the school know about the bullying, so they can intervene. If school officials don’t know of the problem, protect your child. Speak with the principal, the guidance counselor, and your child’s teachers. It takes a team to stifle this type of behavior.

PRACTICE SCENARIOS

If your child needs to approach his or her bully and training needs to take place, there are a few skills you can work on to get your kiddo through self-esteem “boot camp.” First you verbally educate her on how to stand up to the bully. Then you must “play act” these skills with your child. Usually, you will have to do this repeatedly or she won’t muster up the strength to address the bully. First, she must look the bully in the eye while standing tall and staying as calm as can be. Then she should announce her “catch phrase” and walk away strongly and proudly. This is NOT an easy task…hence, practice with your child.

Teach your child to say in a clear, firm voice: (AAP recommendations)

  •  “I don’t like what you are doing.”
  • “Please do NOT talk to me like that.”
  •  “Why would you say that?”

UH-OH! YOUR KID’S THE BULLY!

If you discover your child displaying bullying behavior, don’t waste time because typically their actions worsen with time. Take bullying seriously, and according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), follow these guidelines for the child:

  • Set firm and consistent limits on your child’s aggressive behavior. Be sure your child knows that bullying is never OK.
  • Be a positive role model. Children need to develop new and constructive strategies for getting what they want.
  • Show children that they can get what they want without teasing, threatening, or hurting someone. All children can learn to treat others with respect.
  • Use effective, nonphysical discipline, such as loss of privileges. When your child needs discipline, explain why the behavior was wrong and how your child can change it.
  • Help your child understand how bullying hurts other children. Give real examples of the good and bad results of your child’s actions.
  • Develop practical solutions with others. Together with the school principal, teachers, counselors, and parents of the children your child has bullied, find positive ways to stop the bullying.

According to Sydney Sauer, School Counselor at Heartland Elementary School in Overland Park, KS, “All elementary school counselors address the topic of bullying. Three books I frequently recommend for parents to read are Queen Bees and Wannabes, by Rosalind Wiseman (especially for 4th and 5th graders),  Bullies & Victims: Helping Your Children Through the Schoolyard Battlefield  by SuEllen Fried, and Barbara Coloroso’s book, The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander.”  The picture book, One, by Kathryn Otoshi is an excellent resource for 5-10 year olds to supplement parental “anti-bullying” education.

As always, if you see your child’s behavior progressing or spiraling out of control, make sure to consult with your child’s medical provider.

What’s your bullying story? Were you or your child ever victims of a bully’s attack? Does your child’s school have an interesting policy on bullying? Is this information useful to you and your family? Please share below in the comment section… Stacey

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© 2012, Stacey Hatton.  All rights reserved.

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