Category Archives: Temper Tantrums

TAMING TEMPER TANTRUMS – SIMPLY kc Magazine

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SIMPLY kc Magazine – March 2012 issue

TAMING TEMPER TANTRUMS

PARENTING: by Stacey Hatton

Do you have a screamer, floor writher, kicker, stomper, or a breath holder?  Or are you really lucky and have a child who can throw a tantrum better than Paris Hilton or the cast of Jersey Shore?  No doubt these episodes are challenging, but the facts are they are a prime time to educate your head-spinning youth on how to behave in public.  And the earlier you get your child to understand what acceptable behavior is, the better off the teen years will be!

Origins

Sometime during the second year of life, tots decide whether or not Mom and Dad’s rules are rigid.  They test boundaries and life gets louder and more frustrating for the entire family.  Boys and girls are equal in their frequency and levels of tantrums, and there is no clear cut off for when they will cease.  Depending on gene pool and behavior modification on the parents’ part, your children could have occasional or habitual tantrums!  Young children don’t have the equivalent emotional control that (most) adults have, so kiddos display their frustrations, lack of verbal communication skills, and desire for independence via tantrums.

Prevention

The best way to avoid temper tantrums is to spot one coming and head it off.  Sometimes they catch you off guard, but typically there are signs a meltdown is about to make a presence.  Often if the child feels he isn’t getting enough attention, he will try various tricks.  After all, why is it every time an urgent phone call comes in your perfectly behaved child will scream for all food groups and every item in the house which is too tall to reach? Distraction is an effective tool for moments like this.  Pull out those reams of paper and crayons, or a handful of pipe cleaners to make into fun creations. Take their focus off of you and keep refocusing it on something else before they melt.  It takes practice on the parent’s part, but it is an effective skill to master. Another way to prevent tantrums is to give the child control over small things.  Love and Logic is a parenting model developed by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. which recommends offering choices. “Do you want to brush your hair first or brush your teeth?”  Does it really matter which gets done first?  No.  But the child will feel as if their opinion matters. Also, knowing the limits of your child is important to preventing tantrums.  If your child has missed their nap for the last three days, they are hungry and you need to go grocery shopping for the entire week, odds are your child is going to flip out during this trip.

Management

Staying calm and collected when your child is heaving toys off store shelves is difficult – but essential.  “Having enough self-control for both of you,” says The Nemours Foundation, is the number one thing a parent must do during the tantrum.  Two tantrums are not going to help, and that behavior is telling the child yelling is appropriate. Ignoring tantrums is suitable at times, if your child is in no harm to himself or others; but keep him in sight.  “If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the child firmly for several minutes. Kids must understand you are inflexible on safety issues,” states Nemours. “Time-outs” are for more stubborn tantrums.  Place the child in the pre-designated area.  He should stay seated in the spot for the amount of minutes per year of age of the child. (i.e. 2 minutes for a 2 year old)  After he has calmed down, the adult explains why he was placed in time-out and has him apologize for his actions.  After a hug, he may get up from the time-out location. Grade–schoolers can be sent to their rooms to calm down from a tantrum.  No time limits are necessary, but they shouldn’t leave their room until they have calmed down.  This lets them practice their coping skills.  Remember: consistency with house rules for all age groups is crucial.

Older Children Tantrum Tools

Here are a few tips for youth to help them channel their anger in a healthy manner:

  • Walk away from conflict – This can allow the child to refocus and calm down, without elevating their emotions.
  • Label emotions – Teaching your children to express their anger by using the words “I’m mad because…” is an effective model.  It helps get their anger out and aids the parent in correctly understanding why the child is mad.  Make sure to tell the child you are glad they shared with you.
  • Let anger out safely – Ripping up old magazines, or newspapers.  If you have an artistic child, turning on favorite music and either drawing or writing about what is bothering them can be cathartic.
  • Increase physical activity – Children who have “hot” tempers might benefit from increasing their physical play.  Outside play with friends, team sports, or anything to get them moving and releasing endorphins is a great stress reliever.

Consult Medical Provider if: (Nemours Foundation)

  • Tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration.
  • Your child frequently hurts himself or herself or others.
  • Your child is destructive.
  • Your child displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence.

Stacey Hatton is a pediatric nurse, mother of two and freelance writer.  You can find her humor blog at http://nursemommylaughs.com.

©Hatton, 2012.  All rights reserved.

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Maxed-out moms need answers, compassion

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previously published in The Kansas City Star newspaper on Saturday, 9/24/11

STACEY HATTON COMMENTARY

I am one of those phone calls that every police dispatcher or DMV receptionist dreads picking up. “Ma’am, you want what?” Then I repeat my inane question in another fashion, hoping it will make sense a second time.

It is at this point that I wonder whether using an exotic French accent or increasing my volume every other word would make a difference, but I usually talk myself out of that and politely ask to speak to a manager.

However, the problem remains: My questions are serious, and according to the aforementioned departments, have never been asked before. So either I am moronic or, as I like to think, creatively wired.

After my normal repartee with the phone triage person at Overland Park’s Police Department — who, by the way, is a lovely human being, and we should do lunch — I was put in contact with my buddy in O.P.’s Traffic Safety Department, Capt. Mike Imber. He doesn’t treat me like I am crazy for asking questions that every mother with multiple children has thought in the parking lot at the grocery store at some point.

I asked him:

“How can I get all of my children safely strapped in their car seats, get the groceries put away in the back and return the cart, without leaving my kids alone in the car or risking dragging them through the lot with cars whizzing by while returning the cart?”

Now I know all of you “problem solvers” are trying to figure this one out. It can be done easily if you do this, or have you thought of this?

But, Bucko, hear me out. Try it in the rain, or try it with multiple-birth infants, or give it a whirl with a posse full of ADHD kids ranging from 2 months to 4 years. It can’t be done. Only with a large supply of duct tape followed by a knock on your door from the division of children services, can you successfully manage this feat of iron.

So I pleaded with the law over the phone. Help us struggling mothers get through the day without anyone getting injured or incarcerated!

Capt. Mike found my question (once again) to be not so easily answered, so he referred to “the books.” And the most disturbing piece of information he discovered was this: “Minors should not be locked in an unattended car by any adult, unless such child has present ability to be released from such vehicle.”

Say what?

So, basically, if you securely restrain your infant in the car seat so she is not able to get out of the seat by herself, and then you walk away from the car, you are breaking the law.

If you strap your sleep-deprived, screaming toddler in his 5-point-harness car seat for him to chill out while you get the groceries in the back of the minivan in the pouring rain and lock the door because you are afraid he will get out of the harness and throw himself into oncoming traffic, and then you push the cart to the cart barn, you are breaking the law!

If you stow your smarty-pants preteen in the luggage rack above the vehicle and lock it securely with a padlock and key while you place your frozen items in a cooler so you can go next door to get a mani and pedi, you are breaking the law! (As a registered nurse, I am required by law to say I don’t recommend this.)

I guess the moral of the story is that you should watch out for those moms whose nerves are maxed out and for those who don’t have enough hands to grab onto their kids to get them safely from Point A to Point B. (I’m not recommending running up behind them and grabbing one of their kids and carrying them to the curb for her because Mama Bear can be ferocious!)

But if we all watch out for each other, take off the blinders, show some compassion and just stop to offer a few seconds of your time to a parent in distress, our community will be stronger for every helping hand. Our kids just might learn from these actions as well.

Stacey Hatton is a pediatric registered nurse, writer and public speaker. Her humor blog can be found at http://nursemommylaughs.com.

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