Crazy Family, Bats in the Belfry, and an Endless Supply of Wine

When I was in grade school we lived across the street from a beautiful home, surrounded by a dense wooded area. The owner was an elderly widow; and since her children had grown and flown, she pretty much stayed to herself. However, once a year she would call my father and ask for help with her home. Just a little task called bat removal. It didn’t matter my father wasn’t in the extermination field. He was the business manager for a small film company, which I’m sure even back then didn’t qualify him to mess with possibly rabid creatures. He would have been better suited for processing paychecks for the flying creatures, but that wasn’t her request. “Lovie.” (This was the name she called everyone just in case his or her name slipped her memory.) “Lovie, I have a little bat ... [ Read More ]

Summer Love had me a blast

  His name was Kevin. Or was it Randy? No, that’s how he made me feel that first summer of vacationing in Colorado with my folks. Summer love, had me a blast... Money always appeared scarce, so we didn’t take fancy vacations like the ones you hear of today. When I was in junior high — because that’s what middle school was called in the days before “screen time” — my family, jam-packed liked sardines in the station wagon brimming with food coolers, groceries, suitcases and tackle boxes, headed west toward hills much grander than we could imagine. My family rented a cabin in Green Mountain Falls, Colo.. It had four walls, indoor plumbing, running water, board games, intricate 1,000-piece puzzles and frisky black squirrels running outside. It was a charmed life. For the ... [ Read More ]

TV is the Worst Drug

I hate to be the one to come out and admit it, but my children have a bad crack problem. Every night around 4:00 PM, they curl up on all fours in the middle of the living room, resting their chin in their v-cupped-shaped-hand-rest - and with bootie up in the air and full crack showing, they watch their favorite TV shows ‘til Big Mama gets grub on the table. At our house TV is the worst drug. Damn you, Disney Junior. We can't give you up! Yes, I know there are other ways to get my flailing preschoolers entertained. We have tried many methods. Here are a smattering of our attempts, flops and failures. 1) Help mommy make dinner (you can only imagine the extended cleanup time.) 2) “Go see who can clean their room the fastest and then you will win a cool prize.” 3) Go find your own ... [ Read More ]

When You Give a Mom a Glass of Wine

When I was of drinking age without a spouse or children, I never thought about the correlation between wine and whining. Why would I ponder one of life’s biggest mysteries while I was young and free? Mostly I spent a great amount of time opening children’s book rejection letters from publishers. But I’m not bitter. When I started a family, the idea of excess whining causing increased wine consumption became relevant. Is it a coincidence that more mothers are partaking in cocktails at the end of the day, or is it something that has been happening for years but was hush-hush? After several years of diligently studying my theory and bar graphing my habits, my hypothesis was conclusive. Whining kids drive you to drink. This is one scenario taken from my meticulous studies: When it’s ... [ Read More ]