Ticked Post Office Customer Goes Postal on Blog

USA - CIRCA 2002: A Stamp printed in USA shows the U.S. Flag, circa 2002

Dear Post-Office-Counter-Jerkface-Disgrace, I wanted to be the first to congratulate you, Sir, on your nearing retirement! You look really great for your age because I thought you were closer to 58, and wouldn’t have dreamed with your government job you would be living the life of luxury. But what do I know? I’m just a lowly customer writer who inconvenienced you at 9:00am by asking for a single PIECE. OF. TAPE!! Really? You can’t spare a square? I can see if I had shown up five minutes before closing time, and the line was out the door, and I demanded like a spoiled pretentious brat that you drop what you were doing and give me the tape - which I deserve – then you might be miffed. Or if I resembled your evil ex-wife or the neighbor who backed over your favorite dog, ... [ Read More ]

Getting off my bucket to scratch asparagus off my list

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THE KANSAS CITY STAR - May 16, 2014 BY STACEY HATTON Stacey Hatton (left) got a lesson in picking asparagus from Jon Nelson (center) and Stephen Bowman of Pendleton’s Kaw Valley Country Market. Ever since I graduated from college many years ago, I have been heading to Pendleton’s Kaw Valley Country Market in the spring. My big hair was firmly starched with Aussie Sprunch hairspray in those early days, and I strutted my acid-washed jean shorts and my faux Ray Bans. My family never missed our outing following Tax Day to hand pick asparagus in the fields. Spending an afternoon on the Pendleton’s farmstead on the eastern outskirts of Lawrence was the closest thing to living out my Laura Ingalls Wilder fantasy. So different from my day-to-day city girl life. John Pendleton, ... [ Read More ]

It Ain’t Funny Until Somebody Pees Their Pants

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Typically, I awake Tuesday mornings and a sense of dread washes over my body. Not the kind like you are about to have a root canal or a colonoscopy, but this is the one day of the week which is crammed with too many activities. I like to keep busy, but when I start having to practice deep breathing exercises in the shower and picture curling up in the fetal position in the closet, there might be scheduling problems. The other morning was like all other Tuesdays and I was the only one to blame for the chaos. So instead of whining about it, I got a grip, poured another shot of caffeine and made a list. Oh, Lawd! You know it’s bad if it’s a list day!! After running around the town like a zombie mama on crack, I had tackled a big portion of my list. I won’t bore you with the ... [ Read More ]

MUNCHKIN ROADS: Erma Bombeck’s inspiration

When I attended the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop this year, I bought a coffee mug with a quote on it that inspired Erma to have confidence in her abilities and to move forward with her career. This one phrase said to her by a teacher at the University of Dayton in Ohio changed her life - and still to this day the repetition of the story changes many other writers lives as well. The mug says, "You Can Write." That's it. Simple, but powerful. Powerful enough to motivate me to buy the mug, fill it each morning with a cup of confidence and keep looking at it as if an angel is sitting on my shoulder helping me create. Munchkin#2: Mama, when I get old I want to have that mug of yours. Me: (not understanding) Which one? M2: The one that says, "You Can Write." I'm going to ... [ Read More ]

Crappy Mother’s Day!

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As my own mother firmly instructed me over the phone, to “NOT get her anything for Mother’s Day,” the wheels started to creak in my blonde, aging head… Although it’s nice to get recognition for being a mother once a year - by ingesting a mandatory brunch and getting some vegetable seedlings and a bag of manure - I can only think it’s yet another holiday, which is torturous for some. Plain and simple. Mother’s Day sucks for some women. I dare you to find a Hallmark card with that sentiment. You see there are many evolving phases for women regarding Mother’s Day: 1) those who have a mother, but have not yet become mothers, 2) those who have a mother and also are mothers, and 3) the remaining population of women who are pissed off this holiday is even on the calendar. When ... [ Read More ]

Trying Not to Curse on Live TV Every Month

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As I was driving home from the TV station yesterday, my supportive and loving husband called to ask how the show went. Even though he is working hard doing Engineery things, he stops his brilliant mind for a few minutes to think of me and wonder how I’m doing. He’s mine, Ladies – back off! You see for the past 6 months, I have been one-third of The Mommy Panel on KSHB-TV’s Kansas City Live! morning talk show. Our trio of humorists/writers, who also happen to be mothers, appear on this program once a month to chat about various mother-y topics. We really do love our children madly, but we tell it like it is as stay-at-home moms. There are days when they drive you crazy and you just don’t feel the love from anyone. Our group doesn’t just want to whine about life, but vent and let ... [ Read More ]

“Not-Your-Kid’s-Mother’s-Day” Present Giveaway

Is that Sir Perky, or are you happy to see me?

Toxic perfumes that smell like the inside of your grandmother's underwear drawer, malformed ceramic dinosaurs, bright red lipstick that goes on orange and won't come off without Goop Off... Do any of these sound like past Mother's Day gifts from your kids or husband? They should. It's a right of passage for all children. My mother never wore to church the whorish pink lipstick I gave her in the first grade; and I'm a still a bit miffed about it. But I'm not bitter... So if you feel like you are under appreciated and on Mother's Day you just don't get things you really enjoy, you are in luck! In order to show my love for you all, I'm having a giveaway of the items that your MIL won't be sending you this year. No, it doesn't require batteries, you dirty ... [ Read More ]

Incredible Mother’s Day Giveaway – (Abby Has Issues)

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The brilliant and incredibly funny, Abby of "Abby Has Issues," has created one of the best Mother's Day giveaways this year. If you love to read and laugh out loud, you must click over to her blog and enter to win this set of books: I Just Want to Be Alone I Just Want to Pee Alone - Nurse Mommy Laughs (Stacey Hatton) Suburban Haiku - Peyton Price Something Smells Like Pee: And Other Classy Observations - Blythe Jewell Mommy Had a Little Flask - AK Turner Part of my World: Short Stories - Kim Bongiorno At Least My Belly Hides my Cankles: Mostly True Tales of an Impending Miracle - Paige Kellerman Don't Lick the Minivan - Leanne Shirtliffe Abby Still Has Issues - Abby Heugel If you haven't "liked" Nurse Mommy Laughs on Facebook, I would love you big and bad if you did so as ... [ Read More ]

Happy May Day, Mr. Dumas!

Dear Mr. Dumas, Happy May Day! I know it is a normal custom to bestow friends and neighbors with lovely May baskets filled with beautifully fragrant flowers to celebrate the lovely day. Apparently, you however didn’t get the memo? No flowers? No construction paper cones with freehand crayon drawings? No stolen lilacs from the neighbor’s bushes? It hurts me that you didn’t take the time or effort to think of me until you saw me pull up into the driveway of the school drop off lane. You were exiting. I was entering. There was brief eye contact. My kids and I had just finished, yet another rousing verse of ‘Let It Go’. Today was filled with such promise and beauty. Then in slow motion, you leaned your bulbous shaved head out the window of your 4-door sedan and spit ... [ Read More ]

Do You Have Pepsi or Coke Products?

The sweet cooled drinks with ice

Over the weekend, one of the great mysteries of the world was revealed. It didn’t happen in a dark alley, or a petting zoo in Katmandu; but in a dimly lit, quiet booth back in the corner of a room. It is where a tall, dark stranger enlightened me. (And no that isn’t ‘code’ for anything) I gazed deep into his eyes and asked the all too familiar question, “Do you have Coke or Pepsi products?” He said, “Coke. What can I get you?” “Diet Coke,” I nodded, knowing I had won and was to receive my beverage of desire. This was a typical conversation for my Saturday morning out with a friend. I always have my first cup of Joe at home; but when I leave the house, a Diet Coke is calling my name. Unless, of course they have Pepsi products, then I resign myself to a Diet Dr. Pepper. If you ... [ Read More ]

Munchkin Roads: Munchkin #1 Gets her First “Oscar”

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This week was another second-grade field trip and I almost didn’t chaperone. "Why?" you ask. Because I have gone to almost all of them for both girls and I’m old, crabby and tired of herding kittens! You asked. Then it occurred to me my girls are getting closer to the age where they won’t want me to come to their events. Some day my daughters won’t want to walk through a museum holding my hand - where they actually grab it first. I need to be cognoscente of this reality and take advantage while I still have these wonderful moments. Get off the Facebook, Mama, and play with those fabulous kids, Dangit!! Well, never have I been more pleased with a decision than this one… The field trip of 40,000-second graders (give or take 39,820) was going to be an all day ... [ Read More ]