The Night I was Swallowed by Lawrence Welk

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For those of you who aren’t familiar with my sordid colorful past, you may not know before I was a nurse, turned writer, I was a professional musical theatre actress.  Yes, I traveled across this country in a double-decker bus, from city to city, sleeping in a different hotel every night and performing on splendid stages across the southeast for several years.

It was a crazy world filled with glorious productions on ornate stages; followed by many evenings spent in odd small hotel town bars, mingling with the townsfolk over cocktails.  In the morning, it was back to the mega bus and traveling to the next mystery town to repeat the Groundhog Day movie experience again.

The only time which seemed unique was on our limited days off.  These days were when we could relax a bit, order room service and stay in bed, hang out and be silly.  It was during this time I discovered my deep-seeded and unrequited love for Lawrence Welk.

“Say Wha?” you say. “You theatre people must have been doing recreational drugs to be diggin’ on Larry Welk’s show!”

Well, I can’t speak for the entire cast, but I was NOT “inhaling!” I, however, with the help of alcohol and my smutty hilarious friends, found this TV program to be the most hysterical televised show on the airwaves.

Now I bring this up almost 20 years later on the tailcoat’s of President’s Day because I was gently reminded of “champagne wishes and caviar dreams” when my husband and I went out for dinner at an upscale steak restaurant last Monday.

Here we are all dressed up – our kids with a sitter.  I was even wearing makeup and heels (oh, the humanity of it all!) and my dashing husband was sporting a coat and tie.  We were fancy, Dagnabit!  This was to be a romantic evening, but apparently don’t get caught up in how things are supposed to be when you are out with little ol’ moi!

When we were seated, I knew we were nearing some wild dream sequence; but unsure and all-a-tingle to the extent of the severity of bubbles and Aqua Net.  The room was decorated in Mardi Gras masks and framed artwork of New Orleans.  The front row of tables was taken by the over-80 widowed regulars.  These silver beauties and gents knew the wait staff, the menu and the band members by name.  This was their place to transcend back in time and I knew we were to follow as well!

A small New Orleans Dixieland jazz band was swinging at the head of the room. They were led by a clarinet player who would occasionally forget to announce they were going to start a song and hit a high ‘C’ causing the under-50 crowd to jump in their seats and the remainder of the audience (the regulars) to sit unfazed by the shrieking tone and start tapping out the rhythms on the fine tablecloths.

I didn’t start having the flashbacks of my “touring” days, until a modern day Bobby and Sissy sashayed up to the parquet flooring next to the stage, for what was a magical sideshow. They should have had towers of bubbles cascading down on them, but I know the Aqua Net was in full force for both partners.  It was glorious!  I wanted to play the accordion or the cello and smile affectedly while tilting my head ever so slightly to the side.  I wanted to jump up and shout, “AMEN!” when that elder couple finished their dance with a triple spin and a flourish.  I haven’t seen so many pointed toes in this city since the Rockette’s left at Christmas! Pure magic.

As my husband and I were leaving, he said, “Well, that was something!”  He’s an engineer.  I couldn’t agree more because we had a great meal, time spent together sans children, listened to crazy music from the 30s, peeked on spectacular dancers who must practice in a barn off some back country road; and I promise you this – THIS will be the only President’s Day I will remember…ever – the night I was swallowed by Lawrence Welk.

©2012 Hatton.  All rights reserved.

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DATE NIGHT WITH YOUR KIDS: 5 Ways to Improve Your Relationship

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published in Simply KC magazine February 2012 issue

BY STACEY HATTON

Since this is the month where spouses, mates and partners are often pulling out all the stops to create that special date which says “I love you,” can I just say, an annual blow-out date is not the best way to show someone how you feel. This is how it is with kids too. Children need one-on-one time with parents to realize how special they are.                                                                                                                  When I was a kid, alone time with a parent was called either “punishment” or “education time.” Why was my body changing? What are those birds and bees about? But as many of you from this new millennium are discovering, things are quite different – bonding with your kids is possible and date nights WITH them is a good way to start.

Rules of a Parent-Child Date:

Avoid Distractions Having a parent “date” night with your child means physically removing yourselves from stressful environments: such as the house (where possibly arguments have occurred or homework has been struggled over) and the computer (where work emails are piling up and deadlines are looming). In order for this to be a successful date, both parties need to let go of their day and relax into quality time without regular household interruptions. This event also needs to be treated like you are attending the theatre or meeting the Pope: TURN OFF YOUR PHONES AND NO TEXTING ALLOWED!! It’s called manners people. Both the child and parent should let their spouse and friends know they’re going to be “out of commission” for the next couple of hours and won’t be answering their phone; unless there is a MAJOR emergency – and no, this doesn’t include a sale at Justice or Vera Bradley OR the current score of the Chief’s game.

Three’s a Crowd

Although family time is an important part of a successful household, participating in one-on-one time with each of your children can bring your relationships closer and build trust.     With date nights, each child has one parent to themselves. There’s no competition with the other children in the family or the other parent. Complete attention! This makes the child feel important, builds self-esteem, and lets the parent and child get to know each other. “Let them know just how important they are to you,” states the American Academy of Pediatrics, “not only through words, but through a commitment of time.”

Open Communication

Parent and child date night is usually fun for both parties, but can be “eye-opening” for the parent as well. Having the opportunity for uninterrupted open communication is essential for children sharing with their parents. “My husband travels a lot, so I have many opportunities to have ‘date’ night with my boys,” says a Leawood mother. “Most of our evenings out revolve around going to dinner. It’s a great time to talk with no distractions. It’s times like these when my boys open up and tell me what really goes on at school. Not just about tests or recess, but how they are getting along with other kids at school. In a day where bullying is so scary, I like to make sure I am tuned-in to how they are treated at school and how they treat others. I feel that at these quiet moments with no distractions I can give them confidence and advice they need to deal with the social struggles of everyday life in school.”

Less Talk, More Listening Now I’m no Oprah, but she would be telling you this…everyone wants to be validated! Children want to be heard and the only way to do that is to R-E-A-L-L-Y listen. Don’t talk over them or just wait until it is your time to talk, but listen to what they are saying – or try this…listen to the words they aren’t saying. Deep, huh! The more time for their chatter, you might actually learn something.  So on these dates…talk LESS. Now for me this is mission-nearly-impossible-but-doable – especially, if it’s for the well-being of my children. These dates cannot be for judging your kids or for lecturing; but if they start to open up about something bothering them at school or with friends, just let them talk it out! This date is not a therapy session. In-depth talks are saved for another time when you aren’t having “fun” time.

Be Creative Choose a regular night for these activities, stick with it and most of all…like most dates, you must keep them creative and fun! Here are a few ideas to start off with:

  • Homemade Coupon Books: provide the kids dates to fun locations, which they can redeem at any time.
  • Reward systems: instead of rewarding good behavior with toys or food, make it “date time!” (i.e. “Win a date bowling with mom.” or “Go to your choice of movie with dad.”)
  • Once a month Date Club: alternate kid with parent (if equal ratio) and always let the child plan the date – within reason of course!
  • Mystery Date: let the kids create exciting dates they would like to do and place several choices in a hat. Have the parent draw the mystery date (don’t tell the child where they are going). The suspense adds to the fun!

Standing up against Bumper Tyranny

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Stacey Hatton Commentary

The Kansas City Star – Saturday, February 4, 2012

Yet another act of discrimination has been brought to my attention, and I couldn’t have imagined this one would have rooted so close to home.

Now I’ve been around the block a few times and thought I had seen it all, but this time I had to shield my children’s ears and have my husband take the kiddos to the car so I could finish this battle and stand up for what I knew to be right.

Did you know that persons over the age of 12 cannot use bumpers at the majority of bowling alleys? Not familiar with a bumper? They are lovely rails which completely cover up the gutters on both sides of the lane, stopping the ol’ gutter ball. My kids are under 12 and get to use bumpers — to improve their handicap — but a horrendous bowler like me, who really needs extra help in the sport, can’t even bribe the 15-year-old behind the counter to set the bumpers. Now what kind of ageist thinking is that?

“I promise I’m not going professional!” I pleaded with the teen. “Next time just hit the button and give bumpers to this old gal.”

“Ma’am, (Ouch!) we have rules and only children under 12 can have bumpers,” replied Sparky, the whipper-snapper. Why I oughta call your mother…

You see, the problem arose when I was playing with my family one peaceful Saturday afternoon. My husband was playing quite well, my young girls were learning the game and benefiting from the use of bumpers and I was, to put it lightly, el stinko. Thankfully, I’m not the most competitive sportswoman, so I cracked jokes about my perfect form and how there was a 50/50 chance that the girls would get my superior bowling gene. Luckily they are too young to understand this and won’t be scarred by the thought.

Then there was a turn of tides.

Munchkin No. 2 decided on the 7t h inning, act, time to bowl — whatever it’s called — that she was tired and preferred to people watch and eat popcorn. Since I am not the Tiger Mom, I agreed and thought this the perfect opportunity for me to improve my skills by taking her turns. My husband and older daughter agreed, since I had the lowest score of the family of four, that this was necessary. Very generous of them, I think.

Now I had the opportunity to bowl with the best of the best: the big dogs…yes, the bumpers! Each time I approached the lane and slowly drew my arm back, smoothly rolling that glistening blue ball down what I thought was the middle of the lane. It gleefully bounced back and forth off each bumper several times, ricocheting like a pinball machine — and ended every roll with sweet victory! Eight pins, a spare, a strike! I was like that really famous bowling guy everyone knows…you know the one…oh, well, whatever. It was stupendous!

My kids were cheering and jumping up and down for me. My husband was so proud and I, the non-competitive gal from the Midwest, teared up a bit knowing that with persistence and practice (and some huge bumpers) I improved. What a good example to set for my children.

So when we returned our shoes and patted each other on the backs for our fun family outing, I asked Sparky why adults couldn’t use the bumpers, if they were really bad at bowling. Well, you know how successfully that conversation went.

From this soul-crushing experience, I decided to start a petition for challenged bowlers. Discrimination against age and lack of skill is unjust, and “in order to form a more perfect union” for the people of this beautiful land, we all need to stand up for what is right. If you wish to join this petition, or get our bumper sticker, “Bumpers for all Americans!” join me other challenged bowler citizens — for prejudice in any form is unacceptable!

©2012, Hatton. All rights reserved.
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My Children Wouldn’t Steal…Would They?

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(Published in KC Parent magazine February 2012 issue)

Oh, Jules…I would just DIE if any of my kids ever stole…SOPHIE!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS POLLY POCKET!

From birth you begin teaching your children right from wrong with hopes they will listen to a smidge of your advice; however, there are various developmental stages where kids just can’t grasp the difference between what’s theirs and carpe latoy (seize the toy).

Toddlers/Preschoolers

Let’s face it…kiddos are clueless about money or what belongs to whom. Explaining how they should pay for something sets an educational foundation for them, but if your toddler is sitting in the “fire truck” cart at the grocery store, within easy reach of the bright shiny tube of M&M’s, you’d better check his mitts before you exit—unless you want to return with your screaming child.

Grade-schoolers

Most children by this age should know they aren’t to take something without paying for it. If they do steal, there could be a lack of self-control issue or other underlying problems which need to be addressed—especially if behaviors are repeated.

Preteens and Adolescents

Older youths know it’s wrong to steal, but peer pressure can play a role in their actions, or they may be thrill seekers testing limits. This age of experimenting with independence from parents and rebelling often can be confused by teens as fun behavior. Other adolescents may not have money, so they steal to keep up with their peers in fashion, music, events and recreational habits, including drinking, smoking and drugs. Other teens just crave attention because of stressors at home or school.

What’s a Parent to Do?

It’s the parents’ responsibility to teach young children that stealing is wrong. The child must be deeply impressed with the lesson that she hurts someone if she doesn’t pay for an item, ask if she can borrow it or have it.

When a toddler takes something from a store, parents are advised to take the child and item back to the store. Make sure the child apologizes to the cashier or manager and then either return the item or pay for it if it has been consumed. This makes a huge impact on the child and further punishment is not usually warranted. The Nemours Foundation says, “By the first and second grades, kids should know stealing is wrong. But they may need a better understanding of the consequences.” What do you tell parents if grade-schoolers or preteens are stealing? Dr. Jason Wichman, a pediatrician at Pediatric Care Specialists in Overland Park, says, “If it’s once or twice, I usually have the child apologize and then write a letter admitting they were wrong. If it’s an ongoing problem, there probably is something else more significant going on. I talk to Mom or Dad and see how school and home life are going and get a psychologist involved. You have to find out if the stealing is a cry for help, abuse or something else occurring.”

Repeated Behavior

(Nemours Foundation) One third of juveniles who’ve been caught shoplifting have difficulty quitting. It’s important to help youth understand they may face serious consequences if they continue to steal. Here are additional resources for parents, if stealing becomes a serious problem:

Stacey Hatton is a pediatric RN, freelance writer and mom of two fabulous girls who would rather eat worms than apologize to a store clerk.


(©Hatton. All rights reserved.)

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