Are You a Member of the 2018 Resolutionists?

BY STACEY HATTON
Columnist
JANUARY 05, 2018

Welcome, 2018! You have no idea how much you are appreciated. Last year was challenging for many, so I’m not alone in bigly appreciating a fresh start.

I’m not one for joining the masses by spending hours crafting the ideal annual resolution. To me, it’s just a waste of time and energy.

But in college, I loved coming up with a theme for the new year. The problem was that I was a classic resolution procrastinator. I’d wait to the last minute to brainstorm and, surprising to no one, was unable to come up with anything adequate at midnight after drinking too much bubbly.

Creativity and focus can be complicated by alcohol; hence, get rid of resolutions.

Recently, various people on social media have been calling out their 2018 pledges. I enjoy reading what other people are going to be regretting after a few months — or, for some, several days.

It seems the type of resolutions people have can be divided into several classic groups: the planners, the hopeful but unorganized, and the delusional.

The first kind of New Year’s Resolutionist is the overachieving taskmaster. Everyone either knows of somebody with this affliction, or you are one of the irritating goal-setters who actually stick with plans and obtain them.

Even though I respect and appreciate these folks, I won’t be asking them to join me any time soon for cocktails and hot wings at Applebee’s. I’m sure they are busy training for their next marathon anyway.

“Marjorie, darling. We must run a 5K every month, leading up to November’s New York City Marathon! Cheers to 2018 with our homemade distilled, bubbling cucumber water.”

The next group is for the hopeful, yet disorganized. A pleasant group with candy-cane wishes and champagne dreams, but their hopes are fleeting and often short-winded.

Sometimes their resolutions for the upcoming year don’t even make it through the end of the week, but can be forgotten by sunrise of Jan. 1.

“My resolution is I’m going to write down everything I eat. Shirley, can you pass me a pen and paper? *while stuffing a box of Christmas candy into her mouth* Oh, never mind! I’ll remember to write it down later!”

The remaining people are quick to make up super fabulous New Year’s resolutions in order to fit in or win a self-imposed, imaginary contest to have the best resolution. I lovingly call these narcissists, the blatant liars.

Often they pull a top-notched resolution out of their hat and toss it into the wind to never be remembered or realized.

C’mon! Who really believes that Frank, the manager from the A&P, is finishing his doctorate in Astrophysics and scheduled to launch the Millennium Falcon next month?

I can relate with the second group of dreamers, because I used to be one. If you repeatedly plan to shed those last few pounds or plan on starting your second daughter’s baby book (11 years after her birth), you probably fit in this category.

Whether you are able, unable or don’t give a hoot about reaching your New Year’s resolution, I have one wish for you all: May you have love, peace, success, and an ever-lasting supply of Happy Hour coupons in 2018!

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