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Overwhelmed is the Operative Word for Holiday Season

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From Thanksgiving to New Years, it seems that every year gets more stressful.  I know I said I was going to get the holiday cards out early this year like my one friend who I am totally jealous of because she is brilliant with time management and has her cards all signed and stamped by the time the red button on the turkey pops out.

This year, I yelled at the turkey button, jimmy-ed it with a sharp knife hoping that it was stuck so I could take the “stupid bird” out of the ONE oven which I intentionally decided to have (last house had 2…little spoiled, and regretting the decision to act like the rest of the free world).  Note to self: Don’t invite 15 family members over 2 hours before meal is being served.  They will ALL want to use your ONE stupid little tiny oven that you chose to have and that is where the turkey the size of the country by the same name is housed.  But enough of that…

So how is your holiday shopping going?  (pause)  You’re done, are you?!  How NICE for you!  I am taking a 15 minute pause from my Christmas-ball-busting online shopping trip extravaganza to relax and vent!!  No waiting in line for me.  No shipping costs.  No one trying to grab my purse in the parking lot at the mall…no sirree!!! I’m living large on Paypal and plastic.  Can’t wait for that bill next month, but this way I am getting absolutely NO exercise and carpal tunnel in one fell swoop!  I. Love. America.

I am also looking forward to when my children will actually tell people what they want for Christmas presents.  Don’t most kids do this?  I know I could rattle off a list to anyone who asked.  In the grocery store, a nice elderly woman asked me, “Is Santa coming to your house this year, little girl?”  “Yes, he is bringing me a Grow-up Skipper, a Baby Pees a Lot, an Easy Bake Oven….”  That’s how it’s DONE!!!

How can my kids not know what they want?  You’re probably thinking, “They have too much.” Which wouldn’t be too far off because it goes hand-in-hand with children who have birthdays right before Christmas.  When my kid says, “Oh, Grandma doesn’t haven’t to give me anything.  I can’t really think of anything I want.”  Oh, yeah…let me tell Grandma that she can punt on Christmas this year.  That will go over well!!

Well, my fifteen minutes are up, so I have to get back to shopping to make my December 18th delivery deadline!

Moment of reflection…I am a big whining schmoe.  Sorry for the pity party when there are people out there who are robbing donut stores to get money to pay for food, heat and a roof over their heads.  This actually happened here in town and guess what happened, the police that were in the parking lot, jumped the guy.  If it weren’t so terribly sad, irony of the situation would be fodder for oh, so many jokes.  Blessings to all those out there in need!!

Happy Birthday…Great Balls of Fire!

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Yesterday was my mother’s and father-in-law’s birthday (Happy Birthday to you both!!!) and despite it being odd that they share a birthday; but my newest sister-in-law shares a birthday with my mother-in-law and everyone else in the immediate family really comes pretty close to sharing a birthday season.

Why is it our people decided to breed approximately on the same day?  It is just too odd to think about, so I am going to bring it up in public instead of bringing it up at the Thanksgiving family dinner party I host.

Last year’s Thanksgiving topic of “organ donation” was much more tasteful during the dessert course, especially when many guests whipped their drivers licenses out and not only signed in permanent ink, but made sure all had the proper witness signature to validate the strangeness of our “giving.”  I mean… when this group talks about being thankful and giving, we really get competitive with our GIVING!!

So back to celebrating birthdays…my almost 5 year-old decided she wanted to make a cake out of play-dough for my mother yesterday.  Too bad we didn’t have any in the house; so not only did we have to MAKE the dough, but we then made a lovely red cake with green piping and topped it off with hot pink candles, left over from any birthday party – all of which have been embossed and dipped in pink.

My mom likes to visit and take my daughter out to lunch periodically and today we suggested a surprise meeting place for her.  In the past, Munchkin #2 had only requested McDonalds, Pizza Hut, or…uh, pizza, so my mom was quite surprised when my dad chauffeured her to a Japanese restaurant where we waiting for her.  Surprise!!

We all ordered a lovely meal and my “All-American-Shirley-Temple-esque” child ate Japanese noodles, rice and chicken with chopsticks!!!  We all were so entertained by this surreal circus act, called my daughter.  She even drew a crowd with her cuteness and skills, if I must say so myself!

Then to put the “wasabi on the sake,” Munchkin #2 had brought in the play dough cake with OH, so many candles.  As we asked for the check, the waitress asked if we wanted to light the candles.  Obviously, the lighting was poor , or she needed glasses, OR the Japanese have REALLY interesting birthday cakes, but we all said, “SURE!!!  Why not?!”  So the waitress grabbed our 1970’s cake pan with the 4 inch red cake and pink candles and began to light every each one with a fireplace starter.  All I can say is…I’m glad we didn’t burn the place down!

Happy Birthday Grammy and Grandad!  And Grandad, we suggest you retire someday so you can have such a glorious cake and party mid week!!  Wish you could have joined us.  Love you both!

Halloween’s Coming: Where are my Snicker Bars?

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If you are a close friend of mine, you already know I have made an untraditional “New Year’s” resolution, which happened to start sometime during the month of October.  My goal was I was going to be able to fit into last year’s jeans, and not only zip them up…but be able to SIT DOWN IN THE FARBER-SCHNARBERS.  I’m trying to give up swearing too, but that isn’t going well either!

As one can imagine, I am a social type of person who likes a full dance card; and you know since the holidays really start mid October and continue until one can’t move or breathe in their baggy sweat pants on January 2nd, I am facing an uphill battle.

The problem is becoming quite serious though because I am not going to buy another size higher from last year. I AM NOT!!  But I can’t imagine standing until Valentine’s Day.  My feet will be killing me!!  And watching my kids opening their Christmas gifts while laying supine on the chaise lounge is not a pretty picture…no beached Shamu Christmas for me.

So when I started my “food life change” (not a diet, mind you) that is a taboo word for us 40-something women, I decided to increase my vegetable intake and cut out sugar.  So I filled up the veggie drawer and purchased some yummy fat free dip and gave myself permission to dip away when the hunger bugs started chanting my name.

Well, I don’t know when those pesky “bugs” stopped chanting my name and started screaming “Snicker Bars!!” but I panicked.  I moved the Halloween candy up to the top shelf of the kitchen where I would actually have to get a ladder to reach it.  That should work, right?

The chanting continued.  There were other types of candy in that mega bag of trans fat hell (see), but they were keeping their lips sealed – just those pesky Snickers.  I think I even heard them laughing at me (hence the name, I’m sure!)

OK…don’t freak out.  Have one.  Then you can tell them who’s boss and be proud YOU are in control!

So I had four.  Is that such a crime?  They were mini’s and they don’t even count as a whole bar you would buy at the QT.  The next step is to go to the computer to get my mind off of this.  I solve all the world’s problems and my expanding waistband issues at the computer. Unfortunately, I am wearing jeans and I have to type while standing…but I digress.

By this point, my pants are cutting off all circulation to my legs, my back is tightening up and my feet are going numb.

That’s it!!  I’m heading over to the neighbors with my bag of candy.  She’ll hide it for me until the 31st.  Until then, don’t bring me anything sweet or I might bean ya with a handful of broccoli, while donning my parka and shorts!

All Forms of Modeling Clay or Colored Dough Are BANNED!!!

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A (VERY SHORT) ONE ACT

about losing it in Motherhood

(CRAZY WOMAN dressed in all black workout attire (a slimming color, you know) throws open back door to quiet suburb, since no one in their cotton pickin’ mind would hang out in 110 degree weather.  She hollers back over her shoulder to what appears to be her children by all who are watching from their living room windows…) 

(CRAZY WOMAN is banging out placemats, napkins and various other seat cushions on the porch rails during her rant)

CRAZY WOMAN:  I’VE HAD IT!  NO MORE DOUGH OF ANY KIND!  I’ve been the nice mom for four entire years.  F-O-U-R years!!  No other moms do that.  They gave up that stuff years ago.  Or better yet, they never allowed it in their house at all.

I knew you were creative children who needed an outlet for your artistic abilities, so I kept the mess around.  And when it dried up…I faithfully bought you more!  But not this time, ladies!  Your mushy, molding days of clay are OVER!

(CRAZY WOMAN notices the multi-colored product is flying through the rails and sticking to her clothing)

CRAZY WOMAN:  Oh, great!  Now I match the kitchen floor and table.  Don’t think that I am going to clean any more of this up.  You kids need to get the vacuum out and hope you don’t suck up any of your other toys in the process!

DAUGHTER:  (Oldest daughter – age 5, begins to cry) My birthday is coming up and I wanted that new game with the molding dough.  It’s all I want for my birthday.  My birthday is RUINED!  Grandma will get it for me.

CRAZY WOMAN:  If you talk one of your grandmothers into buying you some of that stuff, it either needs to stay at their house, OR you are going to have to play with it outside.  AND I hope it doesn’t come in white.  Might be a problem finding all the pieces when it snows!

(Cell phone rings in CRAZY WOMAN’S pocket.  She answers it. Nods her head a few times.)

CRAZY WOMAN:  (much more calm, and brushes off clothing)  Honey, you can put the vacuum down.  That was our cleaning service.  They have been ringing the doorbell for 5 minutes and have been trying to come in.

CRAZY WOMAN: (heads back toward door; to daughter)  How about I get you a pony for your birthday party instead?  Wouldn’t that be awesome?!

© 2011, Hatton. All rights reserved.

I Won an Award – an Honest to Goodness Award!

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Now when I first think of winning a grand award, I automatically don a bad Italian accent and proudly spout out F-R-A-G-I-L-E in my best Darren McGavin voice from A Christmas Story. While envisioning pulling out that tacky fishnetted-leg lamp from the delightfully enormous wooden box of straw.  “Now, THAT’s an award!”

But I guess my expectations have been marred by that movie since after winning two, yes you read me right, I said TWO awards were given to me this week…and I feel nothing.  Not that I don’t appreciate the thought, the honor, the time and effort it took the people to choose me for these awards, but nada.  I guess I want a big gaudy leg durnit!!

My first lovely award came from my past real estate agent who asked us to fill out some questionnaire regarding our experience with her.  I’m assuming she drew our name out of a hat or possibly we were the only people who took the time to fill out the blasted form.  But alas, I have been informed a $25 gift card is coming in the mail for some Panera on the eve of me giving up carbs (again), but I’m not complaining.  IT’S AN AWARD!!

The second award came as more of a surprise.  There was no paper work to fill out.  I knew nothing of this before the day the email hit my inbox.  And yes, I was flattered.  Apparently, there are at least 50 funny nurses in the world who blog – who would have guessed that one?  And even more of a shocker…I came in 2nd.  Imagine my surprise at my rank!  Yes, the ego can be F-R-A-G-I-L-E at times, but 2 awards in one week.  Life is good!  And in this heat, I’m going to go watch A Christmas Story for a good laugh!

Here is the link to my coveted honor…enjoy.  First I’d like to thank the Academy…

http://www.registerednursetraining.org/nurse-humor