If you are a big Facebook person, and you happen to write humor for a living, you are reveling in the last week’s Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop and enjoying all of the great inside jokes of the 350 attendees who posted their experiences of a lifetime on their blogs and Facebook fan club pages.  I am not one of those writers.

Several months prior to the workshop, I decided that if I didn’t win the EBWW Humor Global competition, I wasn’t going to attend the workshop.

EBWW Interviewer: So Ms. Martyr, how do you feel about this decision now after the workshop’s conclusion?”

Ms. Martyr: I thought I would hone my writing skills and get ready for the next conference.  I could make EBWW FB friends and get the feel of the workshop experience and then attend the next year.”

EBWWI: Ms. Martyr, do you still agree with this idea?

MM: Are you kidding me?!  What a moron!  I missed out on so much and will never forgive myself!”

First of all I don’t have to wait one year, but TWO years.  Two years?!  How am I going to make that?  I can’t even wait for the self-oven cleaner to turn off, let alone wait two years for the best national event of the bi-year!

And to make matters worse, the more I read my Facebook, I feel like more of an outcast.  Envision me sitting on a metal folding chair, lining the wall at the prom in my peach taffeta dress, emphasizing my gigantic poufy sleeves, and a bow the size of a small bovine attached to the top of my head.  I am joined with all of the other losers who didn’t make it to the EBWW weekend and I have a little secret…I beginning to get a little sad.

I wanted to make a pink foam crown bedazzled with rhinestones and puffy glitter paint.  I would have enjoyed decorating the mascot, E.B. Herron with beads and various sundries, and I like to laugh!  Laughing so hard all weekend, requiring a few secret trips back to my room to change my undies would have been a welcomed form of entertainment!

Now I know I would have had to leave my best friend to fare for herself alone for a major surgery, and my two preschoolers would have to have been babysat by the Elmo video in the hotel room because my husband was not available, but I could have swung it!

I realize jealousy is not an attractive attribute and I rarely fall into this category.  I have a great life:  a wonderful husband, 2 brilliant and funny children who are sweet to each other and haven’t cut off each other’s hair yet.  But I missed the party of the year!!

And to all of you hilarious writers and attendees who are sharing your stories…please continue!  Don’t let my rant slow down the details!  I want all the details for I am living vicariously through you; and Damnit, I will see you there in 2012 with bells on!  No matter if I am pushing my own IV pole or dragging my oxygen tank on a bedazzled pushcart!

As God as my witness, I will have a babysitter lined up for that weekend and by the way…I can’t wait to meet all of you!