Tag Archives: Love and Logic

TAMING TEMPER TANTRUMS – SIMPLY kc Magazine

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SIMPLY kc Magazine – March 2012 issue

TAMING TEMPER TANTRUMS

PARENTING: by Stacey Hatton

Do you have a screamer, floor writher, kicker, stomper, or a breath holder?  Or are you really lucky and have a child who can throw a tantrum better than Paris Hilton or the cast of Jersey Shore?  No doubt these episodes are challenging, but the facts are they are a prime time to educate your head-spinning youth on how to behave in public.  And the earlier you get your child to understand what acceptable behavior is, the better off the teen years will be!

Origins

Sometime during the second year of life, tots decide whether or not Mom and Dad’s rules are rigid.  They test boundaries and life gets louder and more frustrating for the entire family.  Boys and girls are equal in their frequency and levels of tantrums, and there is no clear cut off for when they will cease.  Depending on gene pool and behavior modification on the parents’ part, your children could have occasional or habitual tantrums!  Young children don’t have the equivalent emotional control that (most) adults have, so kiddos display their frustrations, lack of verbal communication skills, and desire for independence via tantrums.

Prevention

The best way to avoid temper tantrums is to spot one coming and head it off.  Sometimes they catch you off guard, but typically there are signs a meltdown is about to make a presence.  Often if the child feels he isn’t getting enough attention, he will try various tricks.  After all, why is it every time an urgent phone call comes in your perfectly behaved child will scream for all food groups and every item in the house which is too tall to reach? Distraction is an effective tool for moments like this.  Pull out those reams of paper and crayons, or a handful of pipe cleaners to make into fun creations. Take their focus off of you and keep refocusing it on something else before they melt.  It takes practice on the parent’s part, but it is an effective skill to master. Another way to prevent tantrums is to give the child control over small things.  Love and Logic is a parenting model developed by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. which recommends offering choices. “Do you want to brush your hair first or brush your teeth?”  Does it really matter which gets done first?  No.  But the child will feel as if their opinion matters. Also, knowing the limits of your child is important to preventing tantrums.  If your child has missed their nap for the last three days, they are hungry and you need to go grocery shopping for the entire week, odds are your child is going to flip out during this trip.

Management

Staying calm and collected when your child is heaving toys off store shelves is difficult – but essential.  “Having enough self-control for both of you,” says The Nemours Foundation, is the number one thing a parent must do during the tantrum.  Two tantrums are not going to help, and that behavior is telling the child yelling is appropriate. Ignoring tantrums is suitable at times, if your child is in no harm to himself or others; but keep him in sight.  “If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold the child firmly for several minutes. Kids must understand you are inflexible on safety issues,” states Nemours. “Time-outs” are for more stubborn tantrums.  Place the child in the pre-designated area.  He should stay seated in the spot for the amount of minutes per year of age of the child. (i.e. 2 minutes for a 2 year old)  After he has calmed down, the adult explains why he was placed in time-out and has him apologize for his actions.  After a hug, he may get up from the time-out location. Grade–schoolers can be sent to their rooms to calm down from a tantrum.  No time limits are necessary, but they shouldn’t leave their room until they have calmed down.  This lets them practice their coping skills.  Remember: consistency with house rules for all age groups is crucial.

Older Children Tantrum Tools

Here are a few tips for youth to help them channel their anger in a healthy manner:

  • Walk away from conflict – This can allow the child to refocus and calm down, without elevating their emotions.
  • Label emotions – Teaching your children to express their anger by using the words “I’m mad because…” is an effective model.  It helps get their anger out and aids the parent in correctly understanding why the child is mad.  Make sure to tell the child you are glad they shared with you.
  • Let anger out safely – Ripping up old magazines, or newspapers.  If you have an artistic child, turning on favorite music and either drawing or writing about what is bothering them can be cathartic.
  • Increase physical activity – Children who have “hot” tempers might benefit from increasing their physical play.  Outside play with friends, team sports, or anything to get them moving and releasing endorphins is a great stress reliever.

Consult Medical Provider if: (Nemours Foundation)

  • Tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration.
  • Your child frequently hurts himself or herself or others.
  • Your child is destructive.
  • Your child displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence.

Stacey Hatton is a pediatric nurse, mother of two and freelance writer.  You can find her humor blog at http://nursemommylaughs.com.

©Hatton, 2012.  All rights reserved.

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Boost Children’s Self-esteem at all Age Levels

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(published on 12.27.10 – Lawrence Journal-World)

Wouldn’t it be exceptional if every child would grow into a confident adult who was proud of himself? If at the birth of every child, the parents could approach a vending machine and pick out the character traits they want for their child?

“Brown eyes, sturdy tooth enamel and powerful leadership skills would be perfect!”

Since we’re not that evolved, we must rely on parenting skills to build self-esteem through all developmental stages.

Importance of good self-esteem

“Usually when we say (developing self-esteem), we mean how the children feel about themselves and their ability to do things they are asked to do,” says Julie Boydston, a licensed psychologist at Bert Nash Community Mental Health Center.

Often families reaching out for help for their child ask how to better their child’s self-esteem.

Boydston says, “Children who have good self-esteem are better at accomplishing tasks, interacting with others and handling stressors in their lives.”

Parents contribute to child’s self-esteem

It’s not always fair to blame the parents if their child has poor self-esteem. However, according to Boydston, “Parents can play a large role in establishing positive self-esteem, right from the beginning.”

She says, “The best kind of parenting throughout a child’s life has a combination of warmth and structure.”

Developmental stages:

Infancy: The way a parent reacts to their infant is key to growing a confident child.

“Being able to respond and read cues when your child is hungry, tired and scared can help babies learn the world is a safe and predictable place,” says Boydston.

Toddlers: The personality of the child begins to show at this stage. Toddlers strive to perform tasks which were once done for them by the parent.

“Parents’ patience and understanding are important,” says Boydston. “Even though parents know toddlers can’t do everything for themselves, giving them a little space for this independence can do wonders for their self-esteem.”

Love and Logic, a parenting model developed in 1977 by Dr. Foster Kline and Jim Kay, suggests presenting the child options.

“One of the most powerful strategies for avoiding power struggles involves giving choices within limits. It’s all about sharing control. We can either share control by giving small choices …or wait for our kids to fight us for it over big issues,” say Kline and Fay.

School-age: This is when outside forces may attack a child’s self-esteem. They are interacting with new people and children. Bullies and other peers may begin to damage their self-worth.

Praising this age group is beneficial to building confidence. Telling the child you are proud of them for attempting something challenging is as important as when they do well with little effort.

Routines are important at this age, so “they know what to expect and when things will happen,” says Boydston. Maintaining mealtimes, a homework schedule and bedtime gives children security and comfort.

Teens: Adolescence routinely challenges a teen’s self-esteem. Teenagers are critical of themselves. It is such an ego-centric time of their life, which can make communicating with them a challenge.

Independence is a constant battle between teens and parents. Adolescents developmentally need to spend much time with friends instead of their family. Yet they need to know while they are away, they are missed by the family and are always welcome to join the activities.

Peer pressure can challenge any adolescent if they aren’t properly trained what to say when offered drugs, alcohol or sexual advances. Helping the teen have a collection of “appropriate answers” will help them feel in control in difficult situations.

Can We Talk?

Lynisha Thomas, a social worker for Lawrence High School, says there’s a program that builds self-esteem for Lawrence teens, called Can We Talk?

“It reaches at-risk kids of all backgrounds; teaching them about different cultures, and being more comfortable in their skin,” says Thomas.

Presently 80 students are involved with Can We Talk.

Do they need professional help?

If your child appears depressed, doesn’t find joy in activities they normally like, grades are suffering, they’re “acting out” at school and/or at home, or if they talk of hurting themselves or others, it’s recommended to seek professional help.

The American Psychological Association (APA) says, “Ask your child’s physician or another health professional. Ask family and friends. Contact your area community mental health center. Or, use the Psychologist Locator Service on the APA Help Center, www.apa.org.

Spoiling Your Infant

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Published on Associated Content from Yahoo! on November 17, 2010

by Stacey Hatton, RN

The parenting model, Love and Logic, developed in 1977 by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. is a program many parents hold as the “manual” for raising polite and well-behaved children. By giving your child unconditional love and letting the child – even at a young age – make most of the minor decisions in the child’s life is the premise.

Love and Logic has written about how everybody seems to have advice for new parents. Why is it that people who have had children feel the need to tell new parents how to take care of their infants? So many parenting experts in the world apparently.

One of the big debates is over whether a parent/caregiver should pick up a crying baby. Will this action “spoil” the child and ruin him for the rest of his life? Unfortunately, there is not solid research on this – probably because no one wants to take their newborn to a research lab and have the “white coats” glare at them like lab rats.

In my experience as a pediatric nurse and a mother, I have witnessed infants react to those administering love and comfort to them. Unfortunately, I have seen the extreme opposite as well. When you are scared, hungry or lonely, don’t you feel better when someone offers to assist you or show compassion?

Babies are the same as adults in this scenario. When you show them love, they aren’t thinking, “My plan is working! I’ve tricked everyone, and have them all wrapped around my cute and chubby finger.” Developmentally, they just need their basic life demands met. Food, warmth, shelter and love.

This common bit of advice in the grocery store line to let a child “cry it out” is a fail/fail experience for parents. How is this meeting the infant’s needs? It isn’t. They don’t learn to feel safe and loved by crying hysterically and not knowing when someone will come to their aid.

Now whimpering is another matter. If a child is barely distressed, they can learn to calm themselves down and this can be effective. But if the infant is overtly distressed, please pick him up and reassure him that life will be safe in your arms. Feeling loved is such an important component to building self-assuredness. How can this be spoiling your child?

A parents demonstration of love will never spoil the infant…parents giving them everything they ask for at the toy store when they are older is how you do that!

Love & Logic: The Right Choice for your Family?

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Previously printed in the KC Parent Oct2010~Nurse Mommy

by Stacey Hatton, RN

Ever overhear parents boasting of Love and Logic and wonder, “What is that?” Well, today is your lucky day! Love and Logic is a parenting behavior philosophy created in 1977 by Dr. Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay. Their method is still as popular today and is internationally respected.

Shawnee Mission School District’s Parents as Teachers program teaches Love and Logic to parents already enrolled in their program. Kim Schultz and Kathie Tope, who train parents of young children, demonstrate why parents need this education and how it can change family dynamics.

Q: What are the basic principles?

Kim:

  • That there are natural consequences for behavior– both good and not so good. When parents start this with younger children, poor choices are not as costly as they are for teens just learning. For instance, if an 18-month-old child throws food on the floor, he needs to wait until the next meal to eat again. But if instead of calling home, a teenager gets in a car with a driver who has been drinking, the price of that consequence is much greater.
  • You also give up a certain amount of control to meet your parental goals. If you want your toddler to get dressed, but she would prefer to stay in jammies, you can pick out two shirts and let her choose which shirt to wear. The parent controls which shirts are appropriate, but the toddler chooses which shirt she puts on.

Kathie:

  • Lastly, provide empathy before delivering consequences. Don’t react to child’s misbehavior with anger because the child focuses on your anger. By responding empathetically with the same short response, e.g., “How sad” or “Uh oh”, then administering a logical consequence, you help your child focus on the consequence of the behavior.

Q: Does Love and Logic build a child’s self-confidence?

Kathie:

  • Children will learn we all make bad choices and have to suffer the consequences, but we all get the opportunity to make different choices in the future. Hopefully, the child learns the benefits of making good choices and becomes confident in his ability to choose.

Q: When should a parent begin using Love and Logic on a child?

Kim:

  • You start when both parents have determined this is the method of parenting they will use. Consistency is crucial to success. And the earlier parents start, the more comfortable they will become with Love and Logic. It will become part of who they are as parents and not just a theory.

Stacey Hatton is an Overland Park mom of two perfectly behaved children. She’s also a pediatric nurse and freelance writer.

Love & Logic and Autism

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This is a powerful story I read on the Love & Logic website by Dr. Charles Fay.  His father invented this parenting behavior model which is internationally renowned for successful methods of raising children.  The website can be found at: http://www.loveandlogic.com

by Dr. Charles Fay

I’d like to share a relevant and much unexpected experience I had bicycling home from work one day. While I was peddling down a peaceful pedestrian-only path, a woman in a minivan jumped the curb, screeched to a halt in front of me, and screamed, “I’ve lost my child! He’s autistic and he ran away from us at the pool! Have you seen him?”
Of course I agreed to help her look for the boy. As I did, she warned, “He’s 13; he’s really big, and you won’t be able to get him to come with you.”
About two miles down the path, there he was. Yes, he was very big, and very agitated! I decided to use one of my favorite Love and Logic techniques, The One-Sentence Intervention.
I said to him, “Look at that watch.” He suddenly stopped and raised his arm to show me his Batman time piece. I countered with, “And I noticed that your shirt has a motorcycle on it.” He looked at his shirt. “And I heard you like to swim,” I continued. He stared at me with a combination smile and “what-planet-are-you-from?” look.
In our book, Teaching with Love and Logic, we teach that relationships are the key to reaching challenging kids. The One-Sentence Intervention involves noticing unique and special things about children.
After noticing these small things about the boy, I said, “Just follow me. I’ll take care of you.” To my amazement, he followed me all the way back to his mother.
This boy gave me a great gift. He reminded me that kids are human beings not diagnoses. He also reminded me that each of them has the fundamental human need to feel noticed and valued.