The Suburban Wino is one of my workout buds and when she asked me to be on her video, I said, “Hellz NO!!” But then she agreed to watch my kids when we couldn’t find a sitter for a wedding we were going to, so I changed my tune real quick. Hence, here I am on this here video.
Plus, it sounded like a good time and wine was involved, Twenty Bench (Cabernet). The Suburban Wino has been running her tie dye business for a year now and does functions for groups, teaching them how to make fun creations. She has taught Girl Scout groups how to tie dye, but she doesn’t bring the wine for those events. She’s classy that way.
Here is the professional with the dyes and her friend the smart ass. (Guess which one I am!)
She has other educational tie dye videos on YouTube, demonstrating various techniques. Check it out and tie one on!!
As many of you may know, life at our house is chock full of surprises.
Like when we go to the animal shelter for one kitten and fell desperately in love with two, so then we HAD to bring home two stinkin’ adorable kittens! Of course, we found out the next week that the kitty our daughters love more than life and Cheezits, is not only sick in the old gut and crapping yuckemerole all over my new carpet, but this projectile-pooper is prone to head injuries as well, but won’t sit still enough to wear a tiny helmet.
Dot.Dot.Dot. We had to take that one back. Lots of tears. LOTS of screaming in my face. Oh, the rage when you take away a little girl’s kitten. Now PETA peeps don’t send me hate letters, my kids already are taking care of that.
I’m not taking crap from a little kitten, so why would I take it in form of an email?
Bottom line: we are down to one kitten. Cali, the Calico. We called her that because we got her the week we got home from California and had promised our Munchkins a kitten when we got back from that vacation. Also, when we got to the pound, that was the name on her name tag.
So Cali at the time, in comparison to Jazzy who took a swan dive off a one story landing the first day in our home, seemed fairly normal. A little skittish, but since the Munchkins are mine, they are…what do you call it?
So the poor kitten ran away and hid every time my daughters and their friends came running full speed and yelling her name.
I mean I love it when the kids do that to me – why shouldn’t a baby cat, who is new to our home just settle into that?
One habit Cali had at the beginning, was at night when my hubby was watching TV, the kitty would climb up on this red fuzzy blanket and lick it to death. I mean for 15-20 minutes without stopping. We thought it was odd, but she wasn’t hurting anyone.
Who knew…maybe she had also fallen off the landing when we weren’t looking!
This continued for weeks and Cali would just purr and lick until the blanket was drenched. I mentioned it to the Vet, and she said the cat probably had been weaned too early from her mama and was still suckling.
Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhh. Da poor baby! So cute…
UNTIL, after about two weeks of this blanket soaking she decided she would rather be on my lap whilst I work on my laptop. Talk about a distraction. It’s kinda hard to focus with something sitting on your lap and making sucking noises.
Just to make this more clear for you all, is Cali in action:
Let’s just say it has been a month and Cali won’t stop sucking on my clothing.
Oh, Lordy! We got some crazy cats in da hood! But I’m not getting rid of this one. I’m afraid the Munchkins would oft me in my sleep.
Have you had a pet do anything weird like this? A dog doing something every day that won’t stop?
Tell me about it either in the comments or on my Facebook page. I’d love hearing your stories.
So Mother’s Day is around the corner and if you are like me you are hitting your head on the wall and thinking, “Oh, GREAT another holiday which is supposed to be about ME, but I need to make sure I get all the gifts for every other mother in the free world, so I am not hated, shunned and kicked out of the will.”
Am I the only one feeling this? The guilt!!! Where art thou coming from?
No, really, I love gift giving. I’m a giver by nature. As long as I have a coupon, remember the date or give a flip about the person. Mother’s Day is another opportunity to spread the love to all the important women in my life; and for one day out of the year, have my husband make my cup of coffee in bed. *That was not supposed to sound dirty.*
Therefore, to help you with gift giving ideas for YOUR mother this year, I have done a little research and found some of the best gifts on the market. I hope this saves you some precious time finding the perfect gift for your type of mom.
Nurturing Mom Mom’s Favorite Child Mug – ($14.49) If you know your mother fits in this category, she probably has made you feel as if you are her favorite child. So why not remind her every morning at coffee? This mug is cuter than a bug and will bug your siblings to no end!
Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer – ($5.99) – Your mother who is always watching out for your well-being, will be delighted to receive this product on her special day. After all, you never know who has been playing with their “Jimmy” before greeting the church parishioners.
Adventurous Mom Go Girl – ($12.99) – If you have a mom who is worldly or the outdoorsy type, this next product is the cat’s meow! Just reach into your hiking gear, the glove box or your evening bag and pull out your rubber female urination device (aka girl penis). Then just drop trow, squat where ever you want, and your mom can now pee with the aim of a sharp shooter. (Available in camouflage or hot pink.)
The Funny Mom The Wine Rack Flask Bra – Nothing says, “Mom, since I weaned off of you, you look like you could use a little inflating…AND a hit of wine!” You can get this for only $32.99!!
***I Just Want to Pee Alone – ($8.99) – Best-selling book in parenting humor on Amazon and iTunes is the PERFECT gift for any mother. 37 top mom bloggers co-authored this outrageous compilation of essays about motherhood and it will keep you laughing out loud. Oh, if you haven’t heard…I’m on page 121.
***This is the author’s favorite choice. Not only because she is in the book, but because every time you purchase one of these books, she will make money, which she is fond of. Just telling you the facts, Jack!
Here I am with the fabulous editor and co-author of the book, Jen (“just Jen”) of People I Want to Punch in The Throat. She is a savvy business woman and funny gal, but to protect my throat for the taping I used a flesh colored flotation device around my neck for this live TV interview on Friday, May 25, 2013.
There is something in the Midwest that for some ridiculous reason is not taught to children in the schools. Proper bug lingo. Most people know a spider from a bee, and don’t be rolling your eyes, if you are really into bugs and say a spider is an arachnid…I know! I’m just making a point here.
The major issue at hand is the cicada, locust, grasshopper debacle. NO ONE can properly identify these and I am here today to teach all of you parents what is what, so you stop sounding like hillbillies, when I know you to be the brilliant, edu-ma-cated parents you are. (Don’t worry, I won’t expect you to touch one or heaven forbid pick up a cicada shell, but you will know parts and be prepared for the pop quiz at the end of the video.)
Jiminy Cricket, although his name sounds like he could be a cricket, is not that at all. I like to think my medical nurse/former musical theatre performer/humorist opinion would be correct in stating that dreaming insect far more resembles a grasshopper. These insects have long strong legs which make them jump very far and high.
A Grasshopper is also a yummy green ice cream adult beverage (I can personally vouch for these), which uses Crème de Menthe and some other alcohol. These Grasshoppers do not make you jump as far and high, whether you think you do or not.
According to Websters-New World Dictionary, the definition of a locust is, “any various large grasshoppers, often traveling in great swarms and destroying nearly all vegetation in areas visited.”
Soooooo, if you have one “locust” in your yard, you DON’T! Unless, it got lost from the pack which devastated your subdivisions potted cherry tomato patio plants. Cicadas are not locusts and vice versa.
These are the bugs that everyone is talking about during the summertime. They are loud at night – sometimes keeping everyone except your drunken narcoleptic grandfather awake. They also like to fly during the day at people’s heads. If a quickening helicopter sound is grazing your skull, it could be a cicada.
Another sign of cicadas in your neighborhood, are their “skins” or “shells” that they leave behind. They are brown, translucent and stick to the sides of trees and the backs of squeamish friends. Children have a tendency to collect them in the summer and scare anyone who is afraid of these creepy looking exoskeletons. It’s what makes the summer heat tolerable.
I would like to finish with this last definition of a cicada from Mr. Webster before turning you over to the video. A cidada is “a large flylike homopteran insect with transparent wings; the males make a loud shrill sound by vibrating a special ORGAN on its undersurface.”
And THAT, my friends…is why the cicada is now my favorite insect! Let’s turn our attention to the video…
(Two weeks ago we watched a cicada come out of his shell in our backyard…please don’t listen to the bossy women telling the children to be quiet so that we could get a great video! Parenting at its best…)